UNDISCLOSED BUNKER, SOMEWHERE IN SYRIA — A spokesterrorist for ISIS gave a press conference this morning and indicated that his local chapter of the Islamic caliphate would “really like” to work with Republican lawmakers from the State of Alabama.
“We of course like to execute the women who violate our orthodox religious values and strict, ancient, obsolete moral code,” ISIS’ representative told the media. “This angers the western world and gets us into all kinds of trouble. But these sneaky Republicans; they’ve found a way to do almost the same thing — life in prison for an abortion — while at the same time calling themselves ‘pro-life.’ Genius work!”
ISIS sees “a metric fuck tonne similarities” between themselves and the Alabama GOP, and they’d “be extremely honored to create some theocratic synergy” with them.
“At the end of the day, don’t we both just want to force society to keep up a religious-based patriarchy that only values women for sex and cooking,” ISIS’ rep asked. “I mean, c’mon, we technically share a God, but no one wants to talk about how we’re Eskimo sycophants, do they? Our spirit peens practically touch! We can surely write some Draconian abortion laws together, can’t we?”
Though he admits that in his “heart of hearts” he’d like to continue simply executing any female he wants for any crime he makes up, ISIS’ representative did say the terrorist group understands “there are certain societal benefits” from not being quite so barbaric.
“Do I want to be able to stone a woman to death for an abortion? Of course! And now I realize that’s really what the Alabama GOP wishes it could do,” the ISIS rep said. “And the fact of the matter is, if millions of Americans would be just as cool with us throwing a 15 year old girl in jail for the rest of our lives as we’d be cool with them killing girls who get abortions, we thought that might make us look a little better. Maybe then Subway would let us open up a couple franchise locations!”
Incrementalism, ISIS thinks, is something to learn from Alabama Republicans.
“However, what we’re all coming to realize is that you have to take baby steps to get there,” ISIS’ rep said. “See what I did? BABY steps? Get it? BABY. ABORTION. Hilarious. Oh brother, I crack myself up sometimes!”
Roy Cooterson, Chief Media Liaison for the Alabama GOP addressed the invitation his party got from ISIS on a local radio show, broadcast on W-HYTE AM 420.
“I tell you what, if we’re living in a time when our president is openly buddy-buddy with the guy who literally attacked our country’s election so he could help our president win,” Cooterson said, “then hell-mother-effing-yes I’m gonna work with ISIS to protect the unborn. They may hate us for our freedoms, but they’re willing to wait until we’re born to kill us.”
Cooterson spat some tobacco juice out of mouth.
“Call me crazy, but if it means just one precious zygote can be spared, then I think we can look past a little light terrorism,” Cooterson explained.
This is a developing story.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.