INDIANAPOLIS, IN – A local man has once and for all proven that God does not exist, because varieties of “mint” are the dominant flavors of toothpaste.
He took to Facebook to make a late-night post, possibly as he was brushing his teeth with his phenomenal Sonicare DiamondClean toothbrush before retiring for the evening:
The facts check out.
A truly loving God would not have created such an awful flavor, and certainly would not have allowed it to become the most popular flavor of toothpaste. Because mint does exist, and it is difficult to find flavors other than varieties of “mint,” it stands to reason that God must not exist.
Recent research confirms the hypothesis that mint is objectively the worst flavor possible.
A study conducted by the University of California at Berkeley showed that those who enjoy mint tended to also enjoy things like jokes about Uranus and The Big Bang Theory. These findings indicated to researchers that these individuals have truly awful taste as they are unable to discriminate between things that are objectively garbage and things that are quality.
A respondent to the UC Berkeley study said that “I really like how mint makes things taste ‘fresh’ and cool. Mint is cold spicy, and when I brush my teeth with it or eat food that has mint in it, I really enjoy not being able to taste anything for the next half hour.”
Additionally, in a subsequent study, scientists at Stanford University found a correlation between people who enjoy mint, but don’t enjoy pineapple as a topping on their pizza. It would seem that the science is settled: mint is an objectively awful flavor and the people who enjoy it are even worse.