Mark Zuckerberg Offers To Turn Over All User Data To His Friend Tom

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg is wading into deep, heady waters as he prepares to meet with U.S. lawmakers in the nation’s capital this morning.

Amid calls for someone to replace him as the social media monolith’s chief officer and a growing scandal involving the private data of tens of millions of his company’s users, Mr. Zuckerberg will meet with various committees and groups in Congress in hopes of convincing the legislators, and perhaps even the country, that Facebook can and should be trusted with user data. Zuckerberg has said he and Facebook are open to regulation after harsh scrutiny over his company’s role in Russia’s attacks on the 2016 presidential election.

However, just as he was about to enter the rotunda, Zuckerberg also floated another idea to win back America’s trust — having a friend hold onto sensitive user data for him.

“I had a thought on the plane out here, and I think it’s a pretty good one. Why don’t we just have my old friend Tom hang onto the data for us,” Zuckerberg said. “I’ve known Tom for a long time; he was one of my first friends on social media, and I think we can trust him with the data you can’t trust me with.”

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Zuckerberg was referring to Tom Anderson, the man who started and ran MySpace for a few years before Facebook and Twitter all but eradicated it from the social media landscape. MySpace was one of the first truly successful social media platforms, and Zuckerberg said that he thinks their security can “more than handle” the task of securing Facebook user data.

“You know something? Tom hasn’t had a single data breach on his website in, oh, close to ten years,” Zuckerberg said. “You could say that no one’s really been trying to get into his site at all for quite some time, really.”

Reached for comment, Mr. Anderson said he’d “love” to help Zuckerberg out.

“I knew if I was patient and just kept biding my time you’d all come crawling back to ol’ Tom’s space,” Anderson said in a written statement. “I would absolutely love to give Mark a hand.”

Anderson said that any arrangement wouldn’t come with “carte blanche” for Zuckerberg, however.

“I’ll host his data for him, God knows we have more than enough space on our servers these days,” Anderson said, “but he is not getting into my Top 8 for this, I don’t care how much he begs. But you can read all about that on my new MySpace blog post going live in just a couple hours!”

This story is developing.

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Written by James Schlarmann

James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a political satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well.

You definitely should not give that much a shit about his opinions.