Facebook Unveils New App That Alerts You When Your Private Data Is At Risk

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Yesterday, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg testified before two Senate committees simultaneously.

During his marathon testimony, Zuckerberg admitted that his company made errors in handling the Cambridge Analytica scandal now rocking Facebook. Zuckerberg conceded that Facebook didn’t notify the users whose information was taken improperly by a data firm employed by both Senator Ted Cruz and Donald Trump in the 2016 presidential election.

Today, Zuckerberg announced his company has developed a new app that works in concert with the standard Facebook app to alert users whenever their private or personal data is at risk while using the social media platform. Zuckerberg touts this app as being a “fundamental breakthrough” in helping Facebook’s billions of users better understand how much of their data is being exposed to advertisers, which drive Facebook’s revenues.

“At Facebook, we always want to be ahead of the curve. We want to anticipate shifts in user culture and meet emerging needs before they’re even brought to us,” Zuckerberg told investors. “So we are so thrilled to announce that we have developed a brand new app, AnalData, that will track when your private data is at risk when using Facebook, and alert you so you can make any chances you deem necessary, even if it means hurting our profits, which I really hope everyone will think long and hard about before doing to us.”

Buy this shirt and help us feed these kids that won’t keep bothering us about eating: https://www.teechip.com/trumptrickle

Zuckerberg explained that AnalData will analyze user data for exposure to apps and bots that users may not have realized had access. Initial tests show that the app works with 100% accuracy, Zuckerberg said.

“We were astounded when the tests, right out of the gate, showed that we could pinpoint with 100% accuracy when your data is unsecured during your time on Facebook,” Zuckerberg said. “It was amazing, really.”

Zuckerberg said the design of the app took much less time to complete than he had initially anticipated.

“As it turns out, just being on Facebook puts your data at risk enough to trigger AnalData’s warning system,” Zuckerberg explained. “So we literally just copied and pasted most of the Facebook code for this app.”

AnalData will work in a very simple way, Zuckerberg said.

“Basically, there will be a little message in the corner of your Facebook app reminding you that you’re logged into Facebook,” Zuckerberg laid out. “Just in case you forget all of a sudden which data hungry social media app you’re using to stalk your ex-girlfriend.”

This story is developing.

James‘ satire is found on:
Alternative Facts
Alternative Science,
The Political Garbage Chute
The Pastiche Post

Elon Musk Threatens Tesla Board With Packing Up His Electric Cars And Rocketing Home
Elon Musk Developing Artificial Unintelligence To Replace Facebook, Twitter Algorithms

Written by James Schlarmann

James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a political satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well.

You definitely should not give that much a shit about his opinions.