Elon Musk Developing Artificial Unintelligence To Replace Facebook, Twitter Algorithms

SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — Billionaire tech guru and entrepreneur Elon Musk makes no effort to hide his dubious stance toward artificial intelligence. Despite the fact that Mr. Musk’s Tesla cars have been developing automatic, driverless navigation for years, Musk has repeatedly warned humanity about the dangers of sentient technology.

In a new documentary, Mr. Musk says he fears that AI could help create technology that is immortal and uncontrollable.

“The least scary future I can think of is one where we have at least democratized AI because if one company or small group of people manages to develop godlike digital superintelligence, they could take over the world,” Musk says in  Do You Trust This Computer? He goes onto to say that “when there’s an evil dictator, that human is going to die,” however, artificial intelligence wouldn’t die, but rather “live forever.” Musk worries that if an AI bot is used in place of a world leader, it would become an “immortal dictator from which we can never escape.”

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This morning, Musk told an audience listening to him speak at a school gym dedication in Northern California, that he plans to address some of his concerns himself, by developing artificial unintelligence. The way his new technological paradigm would work, Musk said, would be to take normal AI algorithms and “dumb them down.”

“In other words, we’re going to make AI match more closely with HI, human intelligence,” Musk said.

Mr. Musk said he will seek to have social media platforms Facebook and Twitter replace their current algorithms with his newly designed artificial unintelligence.

“It’s one thing to make a robot as smart as you are,” Musk said. “It’s something else entirely to trust AI to run your social media platforms. By and large what’s shared on Facebook isn’t smart to begin with, especially if its from online satirical publications written by pasty, doughy, disheveled looking assholes, so it makes no sense to me to have smart AI running it.”

Musk, being the innovator he is, decided he didn’t need to reinvent the wheel in order to reinvent artificial intelligence in a less intelligent way. Instead, Musk has directed his lead tech to design AUI starting with current basic AI models.

“We used the brainwaves of an average Mississippi college grad,” Billy told us later in the day via email, “which once we found him was quite easy to synthesize our new algorithm from. We’d have used a female college grad, but as you know Mississippi outlawed female book learnin’ that didn’t come from the Bible back in 1932.”

Last week, Musk made headlines when he mused that he might want to purchase Facebook, only to delete it. This publication broke that story as an exclusive, and received several nominations for journalisticish awards, but now Musk is saying he’d rather buy the platform and institute AUI on it.

“Does anyone really think they’d be able to tell the difference? The algorithm serves you twenty six pictures in a row from your one high school friend you barely remember,” Musk said, “and it bans people for sharing Tide Pod memes while Nazis have their pages reach thousands of followers. Sounds like Facebook’s algorithm is already fucking stupid, so let’s make it unintelligent and improve the Facebook experience exponentially.”

So far, neither Twitter nor Facebook have responded to Musk’s decision to pursue AUI.

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Written by James Schlarmann

James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a political satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well.

You definitely should not give that much a shit about his opinions.