Elon Musk Going To Buy And Delete Facebook?

Earlier this week, Elon Musk made global headlines when he deleted the official SpaceX and Tesla pages from Facebook. Musk made certain to clarify that he didn’t make the decision for political reasons, but rather because Facebook gives him “the willies.”




Today, Musk announced that he has reached out to Facebook and offered to buy every share of the company, effectively making him the sole owner of the social media platform. Musk was speaking to a gathering of SpaceX and Tesla investors and told the group even though he has deep misgivings about the site, he’d “do humanity a favor” and buy it.

“I’ve got some cash to burn, so if Zuck wants to make a deal, he knows where to find me,” Musk told investors. “I’d make him a fair offer.”

Musk then showed a PowerPoint presentation that detailed in great length what his plan for Facebook would be.

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“You know, when I told some close confidantes about this idea of mine, they all wanted to know what I’d do with Facebook,” Musk explained. “And as much as I know people like to use it as the Internet’s premier ex-girlfriend or boyfriend stalking platform, I think I have much better solution, and I mean better for the species, if not our entire planet.”

Musk showed the investors in the room an animated video that detailed his plans for Facebook. The video shows a SpaceX Falcon rocket blasting off into the sky. At one point the two solid boosters fall off and glide on a precise path down to the landing pad. Both rockets land perfectly square, and one ends up resting gently on a big red button labeled “DELETE.”

“And you can see that the second side booster would end up pressing the delete button,” Musk said. “Which would send a proton torpedo down the exhaust port of Facebook’s headquarters, triggering a chain reaction that should destroy the platform.”

Cheers erupted in the room. Chants of “Fuck Zuck! Fuck Zuck! Fuck Zuck!” reverberated throughout the building, growing so loud it drowned out the sound of the ocean’s waves at every beach on the planet. Musk stepped away from the podium he was speaking from, raised his arms in the air in triumph, and took in the adulation from everyone in the room.

This story is developing.




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Elon Musk Threatens Tesla Board With Packing Up His Electric Cars And Rocketing Home

SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — In recent weeks, the relationship between billionaire inventor Elon Musk and the board of directors of Tesla, his electric vehicle company, has become icy to say the least, and today that relationship may very well have hit an all-time low.




Yesterday, in a series of tweets, Musk addressed the hubbub that has erupted over his treatment of two Wall Street analysts on an investor call. Many indicated they believed Mr. Musk, who also started and controls the space exploration company SpaceX, snubbed the analysts by refusing to answer their questions about Tesla’s future profitability. Musk indicated in tweets it was “foolish” of him to ignore their questions, but today new fuel was heaped onto the fire by Musk himself.

Facing a vote from Tesla’s board to replace him as chairman, Musk fired off a sternly worded letter to the board, urging them to consider their vote carefully. Musk’s statement also contained a dire warning for the board about Tesla’s future development of electric cars and other vehicles.

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Musk’s letter to the Tesla board appears below, in its entirety.

My Fellow Tesla Board Members,

Chill out, dudes, okay? Everything’s gonna be fine. Shareholders have nothing to be worried about; our value will rise — I promise it. But make no mistake, voting to replace me as CEO would bring about major changes to your lives, and to Tesla. Namely — that you’d never, ever see me again and Tesla wouldn’t exist.

See, if you vote to get rid of me, I’ll make it very simple on all of you. I’ll just pack up all the cars and car parts and everything into a rocket, you remember I have a rocket company right? Well, anyway, I’m just going to pack all of Tesla’s shit into a big ol’ Falcon rocket and blast the eff off out of here.

I will take my electric cars and go home, make no mistake about it. The ball’s in your court, guys. Your call, of course, but think long and hard before you do anything drastic.

Your Pal,

Musky

This is a developing story.




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Facebook Unveils New App That Alerts You When Your Private Data Is At Risk

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Yesterday, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg testified before two Senate committees simultaneously.




During his marathon testimony, Zuckerberg admitted that his company made errors in handling the Cambridge Analytica scandal now rocking Facebook. Zuckerberg conceded that Facebook didn’t notify the users whose information was taken improperly by a data firm employed by both Senator Ted Cruz and Donald Trump in the 2016 presidential election.

Today, Zuckerberg announced his company has developed a new app that works in concert with the standard Facebook app to alert users whenever their private or personal data is at risk while using the social media platform. Zuckerberg touts this app as being a “fundamental breakthrough” in helping Facebook’s billions of users better understand how much of their data is being exposed to advertisers, which drive Facebook’s revenues.

“At Facebook, we always want to be ahead of the curve. We want to anticipate shifts in user culture and meet emerging needs before they’re even brought to us,” Zuckerberg told investors. “So we are so thrilled to announce that we have developed a brand new app, AnalData, that will track when your private data is at risk when using Facebook, and alert you so you can make any chances you deem necessary, even if it means hurting our profits, which I really hope everyone will think long and hard about before doing to us.”

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Zuckerberg explained that AnalData will analyze user data for exposure to apps and bots that users may not have realized had access. Initial tests show that the app works with 100% accuracy, Zuckerberg said.

“We were astounded when the tests, right out of the gate, showed that we could pinpoint with 100% accuracy when your data is unsecured during your time on Facebook,” Zuckerberg said. “It was amazing, really.”

Zuckerberg said the design of the app took much less time to complete than he had initially anticipated.



“As it turns out, just being on Facebook puts your data at risk enough to trigger AnalData’s warning system,” Zuckerberg explained. “So we literally just copied and pasted most of the Facebook code for this app.”

AnalData will work in a very simple way, Zuckerberg said.

“Basically, there will be a little message in the corner of your Facebook app reminding you that you’re logged into Facebook,” Zuckerberg laid out. “Just in case you forget all of a sudden which data hungry social media app you’re using to stalk your ex-girlfriend.”

This story is developing.

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Elon Musk Developing Artificial Unintelligence To Replace Facebook, Twitter Algorithms

SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — Billionaire tech guru and entrepreneur Elon Musk makes no effort to hide his dubious stance toward artificial intelligence. Despite the fact that Mr. Musk’s Tesla cars have been developing automatic, driverless navigation for years, Musk has repeatedly warned humanity about the dangers of sentient technology.




In a new documentary, Mr. Musk says he fears that AI could help create technology that is immortal and uncontrollable.

“The least scary future I can think of is one where we have at least democratized AI because if one company or small group of people manages to develop godlike digital superintelligence, they could take over the world,” Musk says in  Do You Trust This Computer? He goes onto to say that “when there’s an evil dictator, that human is going to die,” however, artificial intelligence wouldn’t die, but rather “live forever.” Musk worries that if an AI bot is used in place of a world leader, it would become an “immortal dictator from which we can never escape.”

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This morning, Musk told an audience listening to him speak at a school gym dedication in Northern California, that he plans to address some of his concerns himself, by developing artificial unintelligence. The way his new technological paradigm would work, Musk said, would be to take normal AI algorithms and “dumb them down.”

“In other words, we’re going to make AI match more closely with HI, human intelligence,” Musk said.

Mr. Musk said he will seek to have social media platforms Facebook and Twitter replace their current algorithms with his newly designed artificial unintelligence.




“It’s one thing to make a robot as smart as you are,” Musk said. “It’s something else entirely to trust AI to run your social media platforms. By and large what’s shared on Facebook isn’t smart to begin with, especially if its from online satirical publications written by pasty, doughy, disheveled looking assholes, so it makes no sense to me to have smart AI running it.”

Musk, being the innovator he is, decided he didn’t need to reinvent the wheel in order to reinvent artificial intelligence in a less intelligent way. Instead, Musk has directed his lead tech to design AUI starting with current basic AI models.

“We used the brainwaves of an average Mississippi college grad,” Billy told us later in the day via email, “which once we found him was quite easy to synthesize our new algorithm from. We’d have used a female college grad, but as you know Mississippi outlawed female book learnin’ that didn’t come from the Bible back in 1932.”

Last week, Musk made headlines when he mused that he might want to purchase Facebook, only to delete it. This publication broke that story as an exclusive, and received several nominations for journalisticish awards, but now Musk is saying he’d rather buy the platform and institute AUI on it.




“Does anyone really think they’d be able to tell the difference? The algorithm serves you twenty six pictures in a row from your one high school friend you barely remember,” Musk said, “and it bans people for sharing Tide Pod memes while Nazis have their pages reach thousands of followers. Sounds like Facebook’s algorithm is already fucking stupid, so let’s make it unintelligent and improve the Facebook experience exponentially.”

So far, neither Twitter nor Facebook have responded to Musk’s decision to pursue AUI.

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Mark Zuckerberg Offers To Turn Over All User Data To His Friend Tom

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg is wading into deep, heady waters as he prepares to meet with U.S. lawmakers in the nation’s capital this morning.




Amid calls for someone to replace him as the social media monolith’s chief officer and a growing scandal involving the private data of tens of millions of his company’s users, Mr. Zuckerberg will meet with various committees and groups in Congress in hopes of convincing the legislators, and perhaps even the country, that Facebook can and should be trusted with user data. Zuckerberg has said he and Facebook are open to regulation after harsh scrutiny over his company’s role in Russia’s attacks on the 2016 presidential election.

However, just as he was about to enter the rotunda, Zuckerberg also floated another idea to win back America’s trust — having a friend hold onto sensitive user data for him.

“I had a thought on the plane out here, and I think it’s a pretty good one. Why don’t we just have my old friend Tom hang onto the data for us,” Zuckerberg said. “I’ve known Tom for a long time; he was one of my first friends on social media, and I think we can trust him with the data you can’t trust me with.”

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Zuckerberg was referring to Tom Anderson, the man who started and ran MySpace for a few years before Facebook and Twitter all but eradicated it from the social media landscape. MySpace was one of the first truly successful social media platforms, and Zuckerberg said that he thinks their security can “more than handle” the task of securing Facebook user data.

“You know something? Tom hasn’t had a single data breach on his website in, oh, close to ten years,” Zuckerberg said. “You could say that no one’s really been trying to get into his site at all for quite some time, really.”

Reached for comment, Mr. Anderson said he’d “love” to help Zuckerberg out.

“I knew if I was patient and just kept biding my time you’d all come crawling back to ol’ Tom’s space,” Anderson said in a written statement. “I would absolutely love to give Mark a hand.”




Anderson said that any arrangement wouldn’t come with “carte blanche” for Zuckerberg, however.

“I’ll host his data for him, God knows we have more than enough space on our servers these days,” Anderson said, “but he is not getting into my Top 8 for this, I don’t care how much he begs. But you can read all about that on my new MySpace blog post going live in just a couple hours!”

This story is developing.

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Elon Musk Developing New Social Media Platform MySpaceX.com

SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — This morning, a new social media platform was announced, run by a household name synonymous with tech innovation.

It’s no big secret, thanks to the reporting done by this website, that tech titan and likely world’s smartest man Elon Musk has his eyes on acquiring Facebook in order to delete it, but up to this point, it hasn’t been clear just exactly why Mr. Musk has his sights set on Mark Zuckerberg’s social media site.




As we reported last week in a column that is sure to garner a Pulitzer-ish award, Musk told his lead tech Billy he wants to buy Facebook so he can ultimately wipe it from the Internet.

Musk showed the investors in the room an animated video that detailed his plans for Facebook. The video shows a SpaceX Falcon rocket blasting off into the sky. At one point the two solid boosters fall off and glide on a precise path down to the landing pad. Both rockets land perfectly square, and one ends up resting gently on a big red button labeled “DELETE.”

“And you can see that the second side booster would end up pressing the delete button,” Musk said. “Which would send a proton torpedo down the exhaust port of Facebook’s headquarters, triggering a chain reaction that should destroy the platform.” (Source)

Though the story of Musk’s intentions to buy Facebook was widely shared and discussed these past few days, no one has known until this morning why he wanted to buy it in the first place. At a press conference announcing the next few projects for his Boring Company, Musk finally told the world why he has plans to buy Facebook and remove it from the Internet forever. In short, he plans to build his own social media platform.

“I know a lot of you are here to find out what the Boring Company is doing these days, and we’ll get to that,” Musk said as he spoke to the press. “But I want to just take a moment and talk about that whole Facebook thing. Yes, I want to buy it, don’t believe the so called fact checkers just because they have facts. Anyway, I want to buy and delete it because I’m going to start MySpaceX soon, and I want to clear some of the competition out of the way.”

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There will be some similarities between Facebook and MySpaceX, Musk said.

“You’ll have friends lists, and you will be able to still poke people and wave at them,” Musk said. “MySpaceX will also be a great platform for stalking ex lovers and seeing which one of your high school classmates became the most racist.”

Despite those similarities, however, Musk still says that his new social media platform will “blow people away” and he gave people in the room one example of the differences he says will set his site apart from that of Zuckerberg’s.

“We’re not going to mine your personal data and then sell it,” Musk said emphatically. “We’re going to mine it and then shoot it off into space on a really neat-o rocket ship and then we’ll sell your data to any aliens we encounter. Neat huh?”

Facebook could not be reached for comment.

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What The Zuck? Musk Mulls Buying And Deleting Facebook




SILLYCON VALLEY, CA —  Tech titan Elon Musk made global headlines when he deleted the official SpaceX and Tesla pages from Facebook. Musk clarified he did so because Facebook gives him “the willies.”

Today, Musk announced that he has reached out to Facebook and offered to buy every share of the company, effectively making him the sole owner of the social media platform. Musk was speaking to a gathering of SpaceX and Tesla investors and told the group even though he has deep misgivings about the site, he’d “do humanity a favor” and buy it.

“I’ve got some cash to burn, so if Zuck wants to make a deal, he knows where to find me,” Musk told investors. “I’d make him a fair offer.”

Musk then showed a PowerPoint presentation that detailed in great length what his plan for Facebook would be.




“You know, when I told some close confidantes about this idea of mine, they all wanted to know what I’d do with Facebook,” Musk explained. “And as much as I know people like to use it as the Internet’s premier ex-girlfriend or boyfriend stalking platform, I think I have much better solution, and I mean better for the species, if not our entire planet.”

Musk showed the investors in the room an animated video that detailed his plans for Facebook. The video shows a SpaceX Falcon rocket blasting off into the sky. At one point the two solid boosters fall off and glide on a precise path down to the landing pad. Both rockets land perfectly square, and one ends up resting gently on a big red button labeled “DELETE.”

“And you can see that the second side booster would end up pressing the delete button,” Musk said. “Which would send a proton torpedo down the exhaust port of Facebook’s headquarters, triggering a chain reaction that should destroy the platform.”

Cheers erupted in the room. Chants of “Fuck Zuck! Fuck Zuck! Fuck Zuck!” reverberated throughout the building, growing so loud it drowned out the sound of the ocean’s waves at every beach on the planet. Musk stepped away from the podium he was speaking from, raised his arms in the air in triumph, and took in the adulation from everyone in the room.

This story is developing.

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Elon Musk Offers To Buy And Then Delete Facebook

Earlier this week, Elon Musk made global headlines when he deleted the official SpaceX and Tesla pages from Facebook. Musk made certain to clarify that he didn’t make the decision for political reasons, but rather because Facebook gives him “the willies.”



Today, Musk announced that he has reached out to Facebook and offered to buy every share of the company, effectively making him the sole owner of the social media platform. Musk was speaking to a gathering of SpaceX and Tesla investors and told the group even though he has deep misgivings about the site, he’d “do humanity a favor” and buy it.

“I’ve got some cash to burn, so if Zuck wants to make a deal, he knows where to find me,” Musk told investors. “I’d make him a fair offer.”

Musk then showed a PowerPoint presentation that detailed in great length what his plan for Facebook would be.




“You know, when I told some close confidantes about this idea of mine, they all wanted to know what I’d do with Facebook,” Musk explained. “And as much as I know people like to use it as the Internet’s premier ex-girlfriend or boyfriend stalking platform, I think I have much better solution, and I mean better for the species, if not our entire planet.”

RELATED: Elon Musk Developing Own Social Media Platform Called MySpaceX

Musk showed the investors in the room an animated video that detailed his plans for Facebook. The video shows a SpaceX Falcon rocket blasting off into the sky. At one point the two solid boosters fall off and glide on a precise path down to the landing pad. Both rockets land perfectly square, and one ends up resting gently on a big red button labeled “DELETE.”

“And you can see that the second side booster would end up pressing the delete button,” Musk said. “Which would send a proton torpedo down the exhaust port of Facebook’s headquarters, triggering a chain reaction that should destroy the platform.”

Cheers erupted in the room. Chants of “Fuck Zuck! Fuck Zuck! Fuck Zuck!” reverberated throughout the building, growing so loud it drowned out the sound of the ocean’s waves at every beach on the planet. Musk stepped away from the podium he was speaking from, raised his arms in the air in triumph, and took in the adulation from everyone in the room.

This story is developing.

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Elon Musk Offers To Buy And Then Delete Facebook

Earlier this week, Elon Musk made global headlines when he deleted the official SpaceX and Tesla pages from Facebook. Musk made certain to clarify that he didn’t make the decision for political reasons, but rather because Facebook gives him “the willies.”



Today, Musk announced that he has reached out to Facebook and offered to buy every share of the company, effectively making him the sole owner of the social media platform. Musk was speaking to a gathering of SpaceX and Tesla investors and told the group even though he has deep misgivings about the site, he’d “do humanity a favor” and buy it.

“I’ve got some cash to burn, so if Zuck wants to make a deal, he knows where to find me,” Musk told investors. “I’d make him a fair offer.”

Musk then showed a PowerPoint presentation that detailed in great length what his plan for Facebook would be.




“You know, when I told some close confidantes about this idea of mine, they all wanted to know what I’d do with Facebook,” Musk explained. “And as much as I know people like to use it as the Internet’s premier ex-girlfriend or boyfriend stalking platform, I think I have much better solution, and I mean better for the species, if not our entire planet.”

Musk showed the investors in the room an animated video that detailed his plans for Facebook. The video shows a SpaceX Falcon rocket blasting off into the sky. At one point the two solid boosters fall off and glide on a precise path down to the landing pad. Both rockets land perfectly square, and one ends up resting gently on a big red button labeled “DELETE.”

“And you can see that the second side booster would end up pressing the delete button,” Musk said. “Which would send a proton torpedo down the exhaust port of Facebook’s headquarters, triggering a chain reaction that should destroy the platform.”

Cheers erupted in the room. Chants of “Fuck Zuck! Fuck Zuck! Fuck Zuck!” reverberated throughout the building, growing so loud it drowned out the sound of the ocean’s waves at every beach on the planet. Musk stepped away from the podium he was speaking from, raised his arms in the air in triumph, and took in the adulation from everyone in the room.

This story is developing.

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Mark Zuckerberg apologizes for data breach, vows to repeatedly let it happen again





MENLO PARK, CALIFORNIA – On the heels of the Cambridge Analytica debacle that has plagued Facebook for nearly a week now, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has broken his silence to address the concerns his users have for their privacy.

Many people were outraged when they learned that around 50 million Facebook users’ data had been shared without their knowledge with Cambridge Analytica. The firm then used this information to microtarget individuals and influence the 2016 election.

In a statement posted to Twitter, Zuckerberg said “We’ve always valued people’s individual privacy, which is why ever since we decided to become a publicly traded company, we’ve viewed our user’s privacy with the utmost of importance. After all, Facebook’s users are our product, so we figured we could sell that information to the highest bidder to better benefit our shareholders.”





Zuckerberg also questioned why anyone using his platform would have any expectation of privacy.

“When you put something out on the internet, it’s vulnerable to third parties intercepting it or gaining access to it,” Zuckerberg stated. “Here at Facebook HQ, we’re mostly confused why people are surprised that this happened, rather than worried about potential fallout from it. We still have hundreds of millions of users’ information that we continue to sell access to on a regular basis. It’s our entire business model – we bring more advertisers closer to the people who matter to them, so that they can have meaningful interactions by buying their products.”

“Our user’s data is the most important commodity – without their data, how would we as a company continue to exist?”