ATLANTA, GEORGIA — The Weather Channel announced late this week that will start including hourly, daily, and weekly mass shooting forecasts in their local weather segments they broadcast. The move comes in response to the fact that, as one media liaison for the channel put it, “it’s becoming easier to predict a mass shooting than […] More
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Just a couple of days after finding himself at the heart of a story of national import, and only hours after having his White House press credentials revoked, CNN reporter Jim Acosta is reportedly opening a martial arts dojo that will teach no-contact kung fu. “I’ve never considered myself a martial artist, […] More
WASHINGTON, DC – In a shocking turn of events, Attorney General Jeff Sessions resigned from the Department of Justice today and Ally McBeal was nominated as his replacement. According to CNN: “At your request I am submitting my resignation,” Sessions wrote in a letter to White House chief of staff John Kelly. FINALLY! It’s about […] More
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump reportedly surprised even his own administration officials when he directed the Department of Defense to begin the process of establishing the United States Space Force. If actually created, the Space Force would be the first new branch of the armed forces since the Air Force was created in 1947. […] More
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Trump Administration ordered the Environmental Protection Agency to divert “as much money as possible” into researching what impact, if any, electrolytes might have on plants. “We got a really interesting and intriguing offer from Gatorade,” President Trump announced in the Oval Office today, “and we are definitely bigly interested. Only thing […] More
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Trump Administration ordered the Environmental Protection Agency to divert “as much money as possible” into researching what impact, if any, electrolytes might have on plants. “We got a really interesting and intriguing offer from Gatorade,” President Trump announced in the Oval Office today, “and we are definitely bigly interested. Only thing […] More
NEW YORK, NY – NBC has fired Megyn Kelly after she made controversial remarks regarding the appropriateness of “blackface” – the process of white people painting their faces to appear black. The practice is widely viewed by just about every decent person as being insensitive towards people of color at the least, and at worst being blatantly […] More
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump could reportedly be signing an Executive Order at any moment that would effectively end birthright citizenship, even though it’s highly dubious in terms of constitutionality. Moments ago, Trump offered compromises to critics who point out that the 14th Amendment does not mention citizens, only “persons,” and that birthright citizenship […] More
NEW YORK, NY – NBC has fired Megyn Kelly after she made controversial remarks regarding the appropriateness of “blackface” – the process of white people painting their faces to appear black. The practice is widely viewed by just about every decent person as being insensitive towards people of color at the least, and at worst being blatantly […] More
SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — Billionaire tech guru and possible cartoon villain Elon Musk announced in an investor call today that he has legally secured the rights to a meme that has grown in popularity at an exponential rate since its inception. “Yeah, right, so we’re today to announce that Tesla, SpaceX, the Boring Company, […] More
