VIRGINIA BEACH, VIRGINIA — Televangelist and living fossil record Pat Robertson told a podcast audience today that if the famous Notre Dame cathedral had been built in “Donald Trump’s America,” it would have never caught fire.
“Ladies and gentlemen, let me tell you something right here and right now, if I may, and I will, so you better just listen anyhow,” Robertson said on his podcast Getting Right(Wing) With God, “it’s just an absolute tragedy what happened to that church over in France. I cannot tell you how sad it makes me any time a house of God is burned.”
A caller would later ask Robertson to pray for the historical black churches in Louisiana that a young white male in his early 20’s was arrested for setting ablaze last week.
“I’m sorry what burned where now? We’re not the Urban Bible Channel, darling,” Robertson said sourly before hanging up on the caller.
Mr. Robertson believes that even though it “might be hard to understand,” it’s possible the Notre Dame cathedral caught fire because God was “taking it out on those Frenchy types for some thing or another.”
“Now, I know the Bible says not to judge people or worship money, but I’m going to do those two things right now so you better just listen anyhow,” Robertson began. “I happen to know for a fact that there is more than a fair amount of socialism in France. And I also know for a fact that the only economic model God respects or encourages is capitalism.”
Because of France’s strong social safety net, Robertson said, God decided to “go all Noah’s ark but with fire” on Notre Dame.
“‘Fuck the poor, blessed are the job creators,’ it says that right there in the Bible, fam,” Robertson told his audience. “You just have to know where to find it. And if you send me just $49.99 a month for the literally the rest of your life, I will eventually tell you where to find it. The point is all that socialism in France made God’s smiting finger twitch.”
Though French investigators have not as of yet identified a direct cause of the blaze, Robertson doesn’t care. He says he “knows beyond a shadow of a doubt” that God was the arson.
“And redemption was his motive, folks. Glorious, flaming redemption,” Robertson insisted. “Pay Cesar what is due Cesar, but don’t be a cuck and also taxation is theft. Remember, that’s all coming right out of the Bible, everyone. Yup, right out of the ol’ Bible there.”
God “covered America in a super Jesus-y force field” the day it elected Donald Trump president, Robertson said. Also, because God only supports capitalism, he would have spared Notre Dame had it been built in America, or at least one of the states that went for Trump in 2016, Robertson believes.
“I mean, if that cathedral were in a state like California, then all bets are off. But if it was in Mississippi or anywhere else in the Confederacy, you’d better believe God would spare it,” Robertson said. “Only because he so loved the world that he gave us his only begotten son to remind us that marginal tax rates over 60% are just plain mean to rich people, and that’s, unquestionably, bad and stuff.”
Rev. Robertson warns that if Americans don’t “stay vigilant against the ever present threat of Socialism” and re-elect Trump, however, some churches may burn here.
“I guess you could say if Trump isn’t re-elected there’ll be some very specific, very URBAN churches that may burn,” Robertson said. “You know, by the hand of God and definitely not my cousin T-Bird and his crew doin’ the ol’ midnight ride thing again. What was I saying? Oh right, send me money. Amen.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.