WASHINGTON, D.C. — At the time of publication, White House medical staff is still not sure if — or when — Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi’s foot can, or will, be extracted from the rectum of the President of the United States of America.
“We knew that Madam Speaker was the rightful owner of his testicle now, when the president went out to the Rose Garden and announced that he had been forced tor re-open the government after almost five weeks and without any funding for his wall,” Dr. Brooke James told reporters this morning. “We didn’t realize until we were in what we call his Mushroom Zone that Speaker Pelosi had also gotten her foot up his rectum, and it’s one of the worst cases we’ve ever seen.”
MORE: Klansman Doesn’t Want You Judging His Son Just Because He Wears A White Hood
Dr. James says that while she doesn’t expect the injuries sustained by President Trump to be permanent or life threatening, having Pelosi’s foot “wedged up inside his corn hole” will present difficulties in other areas of his life.
“How will his boss ram the rubles up there now,” James asked rhetorically. “We’re really not sure. Frankly, with as far as Putin is up his ass, we’re surprised that there was any room for Nancy’s foot.”
Starting in December of 2018, the government was in a partial shutdown state because Trump said he would not sign any funding resolutions that didn’t include adequate funding for his border wall. The wall is something he ran on quite heavily and while Mexico still is giving no indication they’d pay for it, Trump has been very willing to ask the American people to shoulder the burden instead.
When Democrats refused to help Republicans usher the spending bills the president wanted passed onto his desk, the government was shuttered. Nearly 50 days later, it reopened and nearly a million federal workers are now owed back pay from two paychecks. However, Trump didn’t receive a dime in extra funding for his wall.
“Speaker Pelosi, medically speaking, moved on the president like a bitch. She’s famous, so he let her do it,” Dr. James explained. “That must be why she was so effective at both neutering him and kicking her foot all the way up his butt.”
The White House medical team will update the American people as soon as Pelosi’s foot has been removed from the president’s rectum.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.