Editor’s Note: The following is an editorial written by Calvary University Dean of Economics Glenn Biscoff. Mr. Biscoff received his doctorate degree from the Trump University School of Ekkkonomics and Branding. The below is the represented and collective opinions of Mr. Biscoff’s, and not necessarily those of the staff or management of this, or any other, publication. But, he says he knows a lot of stuff about money, so hey, we figured it couldn’t hurt to print whatever he wrote, verbatim. Because that’s how the Internet works now. Literally anyone can start a website and start writing whatever complete nonsense they want to.
I’m a Billionaire Writing a $15 Million Check to Restore Notre Dame. Here’s Why the Social Saftey Net is Unaffordable.
I know I cannot be the only red blooded American patriotic man who wept real, but extremely masculine, gallon-of-milk-a-day-drinking, tears when he saw the famous and iconic spire atop the cathedral in Paris’ Notre Dame crumble in flames. I’ll never forget the first time I visited those sacred grounds, but I know that when I visit for my next, 23rd trip of my life, it just won’t feel the same. What’s the point of being a very rich, jet setting world traveler if priceless and very important works of religious artwork and craftsmanship aren’t there for us to admire with serious faces as we wonder how much longer until our tour takes us to the bar so we can get properly sauced.
Without even a moment’s hesitation, I found myself digging into my pockets for my phone. I got through to my assistant’s secretary and had him call down to my accountant and have a cashier’s check for $15 million taken out of whichever company needed the most tax sheltering this quarter and donated directly to the efforts to restore Notre Dame. I simply do not want to live in a world where we billionaires sit idly by while true human tragedies like inanimate objects associated with a religious organization that has been both ruthlessly power hungry and unscrupulously protective of sexual predators be lost forever.
The Good Lord Jesus Christ saw fit to put me into this world in a country that is run, truly run, on the almighty blessed miracle of free market capitalism (Amen!). It was capitalism’s divine ability to not choose winners or losers that took my dad’s humble loan of two million 1968 dollars and made me a billionaire. If one of that very same God’s house’s burned down, I would be the first person handing him however much money he needed to rebuild it.
That’s the same principle at work here. I truly believe that even poor, and even worse, middle class people would agree that me giving $15 million to the cause of restoring Notre Dame is a true blessing from God. But I don’t want extra credit for donating a literal small less than a percentage point, amount of my wealth to this cause. We all, those of us whose blood pumps red, white, and liberty, understand we sometimes are called upon by a higher power — Donald Trump, and maybe even God — to give.
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This was one of those times for me.
Of course, being a billiionaire, I cannot help but take notice of and comment on what I think the plebs are getting very wrong at the moment. And as I give $15 million to a religious institution to rebuild a building, it gives me a moment to think about everything i give money to and for. Which, of course, gives me great occasion to be thankful for my tax team. Those lawyers and accountants make sure I pay a smaller percentage of my income than the people who clean my streaked underpants.
You might be surprised that someone with such strong charitable impulses would be happy he’s not his appropriate share of the tax bill. Don’t be. I’m a student of the school of economics that says, basically, whatever the guy with all the money wants, he gets. So if I want to pay for a church to get rebuilt, I will. If I don’t want to pay for a poor black family’s healthcare, I won’t. It’s as simple as that, really.
I could argue that the less the government marginally taxes all my income above an already astronomically high amount, the more Ican afford to give to charitable causes. But I’m not. I’m just saying I don’t want to pay for the social safety net because it’s totally unafforable, okay? Of course I care about poor people, even the brown ones! Stop stereotyping us!
But if we can’t afford it, we can’t afford it! It’s just that simple, everyone. Do you have any idea how much money we’d have to repatriate from our accounts in Switzerland? Jesus Christ, we might even have to dip into the Cayman ones, too! I’m assuming you’ve all had the Panama Papers blocking extension added to your web browsers and you have no clue at all how many trillions of dollars we’ve hidden from you.
Please keep it that way, is what I’m saying.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. It comes in trust funds when you’re born and then you get custody and agency over the funds once you turn 21. Duh. Of course, you can also go the whole “bootstrap” and “rugged individualism” route, too. However, a social safety net is just, truly, wasteful spending.
You want kids to eat, or do you want me to enjoy my fourth home? Let me just remind you how cranky I get when I don’t get to visit Aspen as often as I want to, and that my fourth home is in Aspen. Do you want functioning, publicly funded, high-speed internet access everywhere, or do you want me to buy another family of show ponies?
I think we all know Thomas Jefferson would want me to have the damn show ponies.
The question of whether it’s even noble to have a desire to help ensure every person has a chance to live a full, meaningful life isn’t even settled yet. And I’m not here to debate it. I’m just saying when you stack the notion of helping kids get their college degree and not be in lifelong debt afterward against me doing coke off my fifth wife’s body while we ski down the Alps on a whim and burn hundreds to light the way, it becomes really obvious what real American patriots think is more important.
I will never regret giving money to restore Notre Dame. It’s the moral thing to do. But I would be remiss without closing with this, which I feel is a very original, salient, and earth shattering intellectual observation: All taxation is theft.
I care about other people. Just not enough to let myself be robbed for it. If you’re okay with me being robbed, that says more about you than you’ll probably care to admit.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.
James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.