WASHINGTON, D.C. — Authorities in Paris have not determined a cause of the fire that is currently burning within the Notre Dame cathedral. While it is threatening to burn more priceless artwork and craftsmanship of historic value, the Attorney General of the United States of America has issued a summary statement of the ongoing conflagration.
“I have been in contact with the French firefighters. After very careful but extraordinarily brief examination of the facts before me I can say without any doubt in my mind,” Attorney General William S. Barr announced today, “that there is absolutely, positively no evidence of fire in the Notre Dame cathedral.”
Barr was asked about all the video footage out of Paris that clearly shows Notre Dame in flames. With a wave of his hand, Barr dismissed the questions entirely.
“We had to redact those flames for national security purposes, which means legally there are no flames, and it was left to me, therefore, to determine if there is any evidence of fire in Notre Dame’s cathedral,” Barr explained in a matter-of-fact way. “So I made the determination after what felt like at least five whole, long, agonizing minutes to exonerate the cathedral of all flame damage.”
When asked about the eyewitness accounts, Barr replied with simply one word.
Asked about the official fire department reports from the Parisian firefighters, again Barr simply replied with the same, one-word refrain.
The smell of smoke in the Paris air?
“Redacted,” Barr says.
Ash and soot all over everything in the general vicinity of the cathedral, according to Barr?
What about the thousands of tweets and social media accounts of what has been occurring? Don’t they point to some kind of evidence of fire at the Notre Dame cathedral, reporters asked?
“Yes, if they weren’t ALL emeffing redacted, like I’ve been TRYING to say for the last thirty or forty seconds,” Barr said incredulously. “Seriously guys, get a clue. It’s all been redacted.”
Attorney General Barr, who was confirmed by the Senate just a few weeks ago, wrapped-up his press conference with a few more announcements.
“Okay, also, while I have you all here, I’d like to make a few more official pronouncements of total exoneration,” Barr said. “Right,so, I found evidence that there were, like, pfffft, so many WMD in Iraq it made it seem like there weren’t any, so, you know, Cheney? Bush? They’re cool, man.”
This story is developing.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.