Elon Musk Dedicated To Building Affordable Housing On Mars

SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — Billionaire entrepreneur and inventor Elon Musk has big dreams, and perhaps even larger ambitions as to how to achieve those dreams. His pursuit of seeing those dreams into fruition has garnered him quite a large following and cadre of well-wishers.




However, not everyone is so firmly entrenched on Elon’s side.

Some have questioned why Mr. Musk seems to so much of  his effort into extraterrestrial endeavors and pursuits when there are many problems facing humanity here on Earth. Perhaps in an attempt to address some of those criticisms, Musk told a podcast audience over the weekend that he’s got some very altruistic ideas that coincide with SpaceX’s missions to explore space, particularly the goal to get mankind to Mars and onto its surface.

“Once we get humans on Mars, we’re not just going to be building strip malls full of FroYo establishments and drive-thru Starbucks,” Musk said. “Though, those will definitely be in the works. We’re also going to build extremely affordable housing, you know, provided you can afford the billion or two dollars it’ll cost you to get a flight to Mars.”

Musk announced that he has formed HomesteadX, a subsidiary of SpaceX. The goal of HomesteadX is to build hundreds of what they’re calling “Elondominiums” on Mars. The domiciles will be so cheap that Musk says he will not charge a dime in rent to the inhabitants.

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“If they can get to Mars with us, then we have a place for them stay as long as they want,” Musk said. “I mean, it’s not like they can go back to Earth, so they might as well take us up on our offer.”

Each living unit will have many “Muskamenities” that is hoped will entice space pioneers to sign-up with SpaceX for a flight to Mars.

“These highly sought after luxury Elondominiums will have all the Muskamenities you could possibly hope for in an extraterrestrial living unit,” Musk said. “Broadband Intnernet, full washer and dryer in every unit, and enough oxygen for 100 Martian years.”

Mr. Musk took the opportunity to also announce that he has partnered with The Learning Channel.

“We think the TLC audience will love Martian House Hunters,” Musk said. “So we’re excited for the show to  begin taping some time in the next decade or two.”




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Elon Musk Threatens Tesla Board With Packing Up His Electric Cars And Rocketing Home

SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — In recent weeks, the relationship between billionaire inventor Elon Musk and the board of directors of Tesla, his electric vehicle company, has become icy to say the least, and today that relationship may very well have hit an all-time low.




Yesterday, in a series of tweets, Musk addressed the hubbub that has erupted over his treatment of two Wall Street analysts on an investor call. Many indicated they believed Mr. Musk, who also started and controls the space exploration company SpaceX, snubbed the analysts by refusing to answer their questions about Tesla’s future profitability. Musk indicated in tweets it was “foolish” of him to ignore their questions, but today new fuel was heaped onto the fire by Musk himself.

Facing a vote from Tesla’s board to replace him as chairman, Musk fired off a sternly worded letter to the board, urging them to consider their vote carefully. Musk’s statement also contained a dire warning for the board about Tesla’s future development of electric cars and other vehicles.

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Musk’s letter to the Tesla board appears below, in its entirety.

My Fellow Tesla Board Members,

Chill out, dudes, okay? Everything’s gonna be fine. Shareholders have nothing to be worried about; our value will rise — I promise it. But make no mistake, voting to replace me as CEO would bring about major changes to your lives, and to Tesla. Namely — that you’d never, ever see me again and Tesla wouldn’t exist.

See, if you vote to get rid of me, I’ll make it very simple on all of you. I’ll just pack up all the cars and car parts and everything into a rocket, you remember I have a rocket company right? Well, anyway, I’m just going to pack all of Tesla’s shit into a big ol’ Falcon rocket and blast the eff off out of here.

I will take my electric cars and go home, make no mistake about it. The ball’s in your court, guys. Your call, of course, but think long and hard before you do anything drastic.

Your Pal,

Musky

This is a developing story.




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Elon Musk Developing New Social Media Platform MySpaceX.com

SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — This morning, a new social media platform was announced, run by a household name synonymous with tech innovation.

It’s no big secret, thanks to the reporting done by this website, that tech titan and likely world’s smartest man Elon Musk has his eyes on acquiring Facebook in order to delete it, but up to this point, it hasn’t been clear just exactly why Mr. Musk has his sights set on Mark Zuckerberg’s social media site.




As we reported last week in a column that is sure to garner a Pulitzer-ish award, Musk told his lead tech Billy he wants to buy Facebook so he can ultimately wipe it from the Internet.

Musk showed the investors in the room an animated video that detailed his plans for Facebook. The video shows a SpaceX Falcon rocket blasting off into the sky. At one point the two solid boosters fall off and glide on a precise path down to the landing pad. Both rockets land perfectly square, and one ends up resting gently on a big red button labeled “DELETE.”

“And you can see that the second side booster would end up pressing the delete button,” Musk said. “Which would send a proton torpedo down the exhaust port of Facebook’s headquarters, triggering a chain reaction that should destroy the platform.” (Source)

Though the story of Musk’s intentions to buy Facebook was widely shared and discussed these past few days, no one has known until this morning why he wanted to buy it in the first place. At a press conference announcing the next few projects for his Boring Company, Musk finally told the world why he has plans to buy Facebook and remove it from the Internet forever. In short, he plans to build his own social media platform.

“I know a lot of you are here to find out what the Boring Company is doing these days, and we’ll get to that,” Musk said as he spoke to the press. “But I want to just take a moment and talk about that whole Facebook thing. Yes, I want to buy it, don’t believe the so called fact checkers just because they have facts. Anyway, I want to buy and delete it because I’m going to start MySpaceX soon, and I want to clear some of the competition out of the way.”

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There will be some similarities between Facebook and MySpaceX, Musk said.

“You’ll have friends lists, and you will be able to still poke people and wave at them,” Musk said. “MySpaceX will also be a great platform for stalking ex lovers and seeing which one of your high school classmates became the most racist.”

Despite those similarities, however, Musk still says that his new social media platform will “blow people away” and he gave people in the room one example of the differences he says will set his site apart from that of Zuckerberg’s.

“We’re not going to mine your personal data and then sell it,” Musk said emphatically. “We’re going to mine it and then shoot it off into space on a really neat-o rocket ship and then we’ll sell your data to any aliens we encounter. Neat huh?”

Facebook could not be reached for comment.

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UNBELIEVABLE: SpaceX successfully recovers Tiangong-1 Chinese satellite

LOS ANGELES, CA – In what is sure to be one of the more remarkable feats in the young company’s history, SpaceX has managed to successfully catch Tiangong-1, the defunct Chinese space station, as it fell to Earth early this morning.





As SpaceX CEO Elon Musk pointed out on Twitter, one of their recovery ships, Mr. Steven, was already in the Pacific following an attempted recovery of a SpaceX fairing that was launched on Friday. The Friday launch was Iridium-5, launching a series of 10 satellites into space.

The recovery marks the first time a space station has fell to Earth and been successfully recovered in tact.





Tiangong-1 was the first attempt by China to have a space station in orbit. The unmanned station means “Heavenly Place” or “Celestial Palace,” however the Chinese government lost contact with the station in 2016, after extending its mission two years longer than originally anticipated.

The world had watched as the craft slowly but surely descended into the Earth’s atmosphere. Due to the uncontrolled nature of it, it was unclear where exactly the craft was going to re-enter and land, which makes SpaceX’s and Elon Musk’s feat all the more impressive.

Alternative-Science.com spoke with a representative at SpaceX about the accomplishment, speaking under the condition of anonymity because they were not allowed to make public comments.





“We all thought Elon was crazy when he pitched the idea to us in a staff meeting last week, but we thought we’d give it a try. It’s amazing to see what he’s been able to do in the realm of recycling rockets, but now that we can re-use satellites, it’s a whole new ballgame” they said.

It remains unclear when SpaceX plans on returning the satellite to the Chinese government. This is a developing story, and this article will be updated as more news becomes available.

h/t Reddit

Elon Musk Offers To Buy And Then Delete Facebook

Earlier this week, Elon Musk made global headlines when he deleted the official SpaceX and Tesla pages from Facebook. Musk made certain to clarify that he didn’t make the decision for political reasons, but rather because Facebook gives him “the willies.”



Today, Musk announced that he has reached out to Facebook and offered to buy every share of the company, effectively making him the sole owner of the social media platform. Musk was speaking to a gathering of SpaceX and Tesla investors and told the group even though he has deep misgivings about the site, he’d “do humanity a favor” and buy it.

“I’ve got some cash to burn, so if Zuck wants to make a deal, he knows where to find me,” Musk told investors. “I’d make him a fair offer.”

Musk then showed a PowerPoint presentation that detailed in great length what his plan for Facebook would be.




“You know, when I told some close confidantes about this idea of mine, they all wanted to know what I’d do with Facebook,” Musk explained. “And as much as I know people like to use it as the Internet’s premier ex-girlfriend or boyfriend stalking platform, I think I have much better solution, and I mean better for the species, if not our entire planet.”

RELATED: Elon Musk Developing Own Social Media Platform Called MySpaceX

Musk showed the investors in the room an animated video that detailed his plans for Facebook. The video shows a SpaceX Falcon rocket blasting off into the sky. At one point the two solid boosters fall off and glide on a precise path down to the landing pad. Both rockets land perfectly square, and one ends up resting gently on a big red button labeled “DELETE.”

“And you can see that the second side booster would end up pressing the delete button,” Musk said. “Which would send a proton torpedo down the exhaust port of Facebook’s headquarters, triggering a chain reaction that should destroy the platform.”

Cheers erupted in the room. Chants of “Fuck Zuck! Fuck Zuck! Fuck Zuck!” reverberated throughout the building, growing so loud it drowned out the sound of the ocean’s waves at every beach on the planet. Musk stepped away from the podium he was speaking from, raised his arms in the air in triumph, and took in the adulation from everyone in the room.

This story is developing.

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Apply now by contacting us at Scientist@Alternative-Science.com!

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Elon Musk Offers To Buy And Then Delete Facebook

Earlier this week, Elon Musk made global headlines when he deleted the official SpaceX and Tesla pages from Facebook. Musk made certain to clarify that he didn’t make the decision for political reasons, but rather because Facebook gives him “the willies.”



Today, Musk announced that he has reached out to Facebook and offered to buy every share of the company, effectively making him the sole owner of the social media platform. Musk was speaking to a gathering of SpaceX and Tesla investors and told the group even though he has deep misgivings about the site, he’d “do humanity a favor” and buy it.

“I’ve got some cash to burn, so if Zuck wants to make a deal, he knows where to find me,” Musk told investors. “I’d make him a fair offer.”

Musk then showed a PowerPoint presentation that detailed in great length what his plan for Facebook would be.




“You know, when I told some close confidantes about this idea of mine, they all wanted to know what I’d do with Facebook,” Musk explained. “And as much as I know people like to use it as the Internet’s premier ex-girlfriend or boyfriend stalking platform, I think I have much better solution, and I mean better for the species, if not our entire planet.”

Musk showed the investors in the room an animated video that detailed his plans for Facebook. The video shows a SpaceX Falcon rocket blasting off into the sky. At one point the two solid boosters fall off and glide on a precise path down to the landing pad. Both rockets land perfectly square, and one ends up resting gently on a big red button labeled “DELETE.”

“And you can see that the second side booster would end up pressing the delete button,” Musk said. “Which would send a proton torpedo down the exhaust port of Facebook’s headquarters, triggering a chain reaction that should destroy the platform.”

Cheers erupted in the room. Chants of “Fuck Zuck! Fuck Zuck! Fuck Zuck!” reverberated throughout the building, growing so loud it drowned out the sound of the ocean’s waves at every beach on the planet. Musk stepped away from the podium he was speaking from, raised his arms in the air in triumph, and took in the adulation from everyone in the room.

This story is developing.

Want to write for Alternative-Science.com? It’s easy. You just write what makes you feel good, and people believe it.

Apply now by contacting us at Scientist@Alternative-Science.com!

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NASA invites ‘A Science Enthusiast’ to see a SpaceX launch – and the moon landing set

KENNEDY SPACE CENTER, FLORIDA – A popular blogger, podcaster, memer, and all-around cool guy known as ‘A Science Enthusiast‘ was invited by NASA to visit the Kennedy Space Center in Florida to get a “behind the scenes” tour leading up to SpaceX’s launch of TESS – a satellite allegedly being “launched” to look for rocky planets around nearby stars.





When Alternative-Science.com spoke with the ‘Science Enthusiast’, also known as Dan Broadbent, he was very excited at the opportunity NASA had given him. Here’s what he had to say:

“Ever since I was a kid, I’ve wanted to see a rocket launch in person. I planned on going to Kennedy Space Center sometime soon, hopefully to see the next Falcon Heavy launch later this year, but never thought I’d get invited by NASA to go down!”





The Enthusiast added:

“I’m really excited to see the launch and talk to the scientists and everything, but I think what I’m most excited about is the tour of Kennedy Space Center, all the rockets, and of course, to get to see the set where they faked the moon landing.”

“I really think I can blow the whole lid off of the scam that NASA has perpetuated for decades. I mean, come on – are we really supposed to believe that they landed on the moon? Give me a break! Why haven’t we been back in nearly 60 years then? Huh? Answer me THAT!”





“I mean, this mission that NASA invited me to is for a satellite that’s going to get a slingshot AROUND the moon – why not ON the moon? I’ll tell you why. It’s because they can’t.”

Out of breath, but not stopping his rant, Broadbent added that he’s “done his research” about the moon landing, and flat earth as well, so he knows what to look for while there.

“I’m going to get to the bottom of it when I’m there. And WE’LL DO IT LIVE! I’ll post everything to my public Facebook account and also on Twitter. I’m going to try to gain the trust of a scientist or two and see if I can’t get them to show me the proof that the earth is flat. Maybe get them to aim their little ‘satellite’ back at us here on Earth and take a picture of the REAL controversy – not their silly ‘science experiment where they try to find other habitable planets in our galaxy.’ I mean, what’s the point of that anyway?”

“The Earth is great! I’ve been here my whole life! My parents, too! And I have kids here! What’s the point of looking for more planets when this one has everything we need?”

Be sure to follow Dan as he documents his journey to uncover the set of the moon landing AND flat earth on Facebook as ‘A Science Enthusiast‘ and on Twitter as @aSciEnthusiast!

Elon Musk Forming New Company SpaceXXX For Worldwide Internet Porn Distribution

SILICON VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — Elon Musk has wanted to bring worldwide internet service to the globe for the last two years, and that is one of the initiatives his SpaceX company has been undertaking in its Falcon rocket tests.

In 2016, Musk requested permission from the U.S. government to operate a network of more than 4,400 satellites. The purpose of that network would be to deliver broadband internet speeds to the masses, all over the world. Bringing broadband speed internet to the poorest of areas could end up providing a much needed technological and economic boost, Musk and SpaceX believe.

This morning, Mr. Musk told his investors that he’s creating a new, separate company, and that new company will take on a small portion of the global broadband initiative.

“We’re really stoked to announce the formation of SpaceXXX, which will provide terabytes of hardcore fuck action to the poorest among us for a fraction of normal broadband costs,” Musk announced.

SpaceXXX will begin its tests with a new rocket series, as well.

“At this same time, we’re pleased to announce the SpaceXXX project will be conducted using launches from our Heavy Fuckin’ Pocket Rockets,” Musk said, pride in his voice. “These rockets are amazing. The biggest, most advanced ones to date. And they look like big penises, so that’s pretty fitting.”

Musk says hat splitting his broadband service between traditional and adult content will have many advantages, but one major disadvantage.
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“We’re going to need way more bandwidth for the porn,” Musk said. “Our studies show that roughly 97% of Internet traffic is porn related, and the rest is angry political rants and kitten photos.”

During the same press conference, Musk announced a couple of other new projects he is pursuing.

“SpaceXXX is going to be absolutely totes dope, there’s no doubt about it,” Musk said. “But I’m also excited about the Mars Leash we’re developing, which will let us yank Mars colonists back to Earth with just a simple tug. And we’re also working on a chili that you can really stand your fork up in, even in zero gravity.”

SpaceXXX will begin test flights of its Fuckin’ Heavy Rocket this fall, Musk said.

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More Satire:

Tilapia Lahren Wants NASA To Rename Black Holes Because ‘All Holes Matter’

SpaceX Developing New Mars Leash So Space Colonists Can Be Yanked Back Home

SpaceX Developing New Mars Leash So Space Colonists Can Be Yanked Back Home





Elon Musk’s SpaceX is at it again!

Today, at a press conference for investors, Musk announced that his space flight and exploration company, which has already made history with its series of Falcon rockets, will begin immediate development on a truly groundbreaking, historic device that he says will allow SpaceX to drastically speed up its timetable for sending humans to Mars.

“You know, we were all sitting around and talking about how we’d totally volunteer for the Mars mission, but we’re not sure about not being able to come home,” Musk told investors. “So, I looked at Billy, one of our lead techs, and I said to Billy, ‘Dude, it’s too bad we can’t just put a big leash on our ship and when we’re ready to come home, we tug on it, and then someone back on Earth reels us back in.'”

The next day, Musk said, Billy showed up to work with a dog leash and a toy rocket. He walked into Mr. Musk’s office, and closed the door, which Musk said he knew meant Billy was onto something.

“When he doesn’t want everyone else to see it yet, I know Billy’s got a great idea,” Musk relayed.




Billy put a finger over his mouth, shushing Musk and getting him to focus on what he was about to show the billionaire. Billy attached the dog leash to the rocket ship. Then, Billy opened a window in his boss’s office, tying the leash to a nearby chair as he did so. Billy reached back with his arm, evoking an image of a nerdy quarterback, and heaved the rocket out of the window, Musk said.

“Then, Billy starts yanking back on the leash, and to my utter astonishment, the rocket was pulled right back into my office,” Musk exclaimed. “I called up Susan, Bob, and Helen from R&D, and told them they were about to have their minds blown so hard they might shit them out of the butt holes, which is of course scientist talk.”

Over the course of the next two nights, Susan, Bob, Helen, Billy, and Musk all spit-balled materials, designs, and general specifics of the Mars Leash, as it would later come to be known.

“Basically, we decided to buy every dog leash in town, and tie them together, to see if that got us enough length,” Musk said. “But we quickly found out we’re gonna need, like, a shit load more leashes. We’re working with Amazon on a deal that would get us about six or seven billion dog leashes, and we think we’ll come pretty close with that, not sure.”




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Stephen Hawking’s Brain Still Operating At Higher Level Than Most Living Humans

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Future SpaceX Projects Will Be Funded With Sales Of New Cologne: “Elon’s Musk”





This morning, billionaire entrepreneur and inventor Elon Musk watched another one of his SpaceX rockets blast off into the cosmos. Falcon 9 lifted off from its pad just before dawn in a spectacular display, carrying experimental global internet satellites. One of Musk’s end goals is to provide high-speed broadband internet service to some of the least connected areas on Earth, and Falcon 9’s payload are a pair of satellites designed for that purpose.

After a successful launch, SpaceX made an announcement regarding the funding of future projects. Musk and his space exploration company have lofty goals, including getting humankind to Mars and beyond. Mr. Musk said that this kind of vision requires a lot of money, and he’s decided to enhance SpaceX’s revenue in a new, perhaps unforeseen way.

“We are excited to announce the launch of a new fragrance, made with 100% completely renewable energy,” Musk said. “Elon’s Musk will hit fine retail shelves in your area by the end of the third quarter, and we’re just so excited about this.”

Mr. Musk said that he is excited that the future of mankind’s space exploration will at least in part by fueled by his namesake cologne.

http://pastichepost.com/2018/02/21/twitterlockout-bohiggins/

“The future of humanity relies on us getting off this planet at some point in the future,” Musk told reporters. “And these kinds of projects require an insane amount of money. But we think the launch of Elon’s Musk will help offset costs tremendously.”



SpaceX considered a few other options for additional funding, according to Musk.

“We considered a staff bake sale, in our parking lot, but we weren’t sure just how many billions we could raise selling cookies,” Musk said. “It’s still possible we’ll open the lemonade stand up, though I think we’ve decided to move that operation to Venus, once we get that project off the ground, so to speak.”

As for what Elon’s Musk will actually smell like, the cologne’s namesake attempted to describe to the press just what would tickle their noses.

“We synthesized this scent using a number of highly complex algorithms, a number of focus groups, and by going over to Macy’s in the mall and having that nice older lady spray me with everything she’s got,” Musk said. “And ultimately we decided on a mixture of rocket fuel, shredded thousand dollar bills, and cinnamon because I really love cinnamon.”

Elon’s Musk will retail for $1.2 million a bottle.




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