Texas Democrat Introduces Bill to Sentence Men Who Masturbate to Death Penalty

AUSTIN, TEXAS — Republican lawmakers in the State of Texas are trying to get a bill passed and onto the governor’s desk that would criminalize all abortion procedures without any exceptions. Because capital punishment is legal in Texas, it is entirely possible that one outcome of this legislation would be for a woman to be executed for terminating her pregnancy.

The bill was proposed by a former Air Force vet who, according to The Washington Post, wants women to be “more personally responsible” and wants his law to give fetuses “equal protection.”

The legislation is the brainchild of state Rep. Tony Tinderholt, a Republican from Arlington, Tex., who was placed under state protection because of death threats he received when he first introduced the bill in 2017. The Air Force veteran, who has been married five times, argues that the measure is necessary to make women “more personally responsible.” He said Tuesday that his intention is to guarantee “equal protection” for life inside and “outside the womb.”

So far, there haven’t been any fetuses who have come out in favor of, or opposed to Mr. Tinderholt’s bill. However, one of his Democratic colleagues has decided that it needs a piece of companion legislation. This morning, Rep. Henrietta Williamson (D) explained her new bill to reporters.

“HB 1469 will make it completely illegal to flog the dolphin, choke the chicken, slap the bishop, or pull your pud,” Rep. Williamson announced. “Because if we’re going to pretend that meaningful life begins at conception, should we not set the bar even further back, when life is truly created, in the seminal vesicles?”

Williamson’s bill would also set aside $1.5 billion in taxpayer funds to start a Jerkoffs Jerking Off task force. The special law enforcement unit would be charged with patrolling the streets and homes of Texans and determining if anyone is “loving the one they love most,” as Williamson put it.

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“As the great philosopher Eric Idle wrote once, ‘Every sperm is sacred, every sperm is good,'” Williamson explained. “Therefore, every single spermatozoa deserves the same constitutional protection as non-viable tissue formation that is literally no different than a parasite in other contexts. What are Republicans saying, that a fetus is more important than the sperm that made it?”

Rep. Williamson says while she doesn’t really want to “throw men in jail for spanking the monkey,” she cannot allow Republicans in the state to “roll back gender equality a few decades” without adding some legislative balances.

“Look, all they have to do to get my bill off the docket is to drop theirs, but they won’t do that. Despite knowing how ridiculous it is that we put a woman to death because she made a personal reproductive choice, they want to pander to their base,” Williamson said. “So you know what? Sure, let’s execute dudes for doing what dudes do.”

Reached for comment, Vice President Mike Pence said he is “horrified and disgusted.”

“You know, this is why the Bible says that women should be subservient, because I am horrified and disgusted by the fact that Rep. Williamson had an opinion, shared it, and then didn’t apologize for it,” Pence said to reporters.

This story is developing.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

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