Trump Says Democrats Want 'Unlimited Post-Arousal Abortions'

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump had a relatively convivial relationship with Congress for the first two years of his presidency, however the shellacking his party took at the hands of the Democrats in last year’s mid-term elections have pitted the House of Representatives squarely against him.

When Rep. Nancy Pelosi recaptured the gavel as Speaker of the House, she promised her party would administer oversight on the Trump administration in ways his own party had not. Heretofore, the House Democrats have made good on there word to investigate Trump’s financial dealings both before and after he took office. Just yesterday, they sent subpoenas to the IRS seeking six years’ worth of tax returns that Trump, unlike every other modern era president, has yet to release despite telling the American people he’d do so once elected.

Trump and the Democrats are set to face off in a hotly contested presidential election next year, and the president seems to understand he has to get even cozier with his base if he hopes to survive re-election. In recent weeks, Trump has stepped his attacks on the Democratic Party, calling it and its voters and politicians names and insinuating they want policies they may not actually advocate for. Trump has said Democrats want “open borders” and he has tried to ingratiate himself to the religious right by hounding them over their pro-choice stance on abortion, characterizing them as being in favor of “executing babies after birth.”

Today, president Trump doubled-down on his attacks on the abortion front in an Oval Office meeting, which was attended by various members of the conservative press, who Trump also declared as the “only ones allowed to be free” now.

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“This Democratic harassment of a president is vile, vicious, unfair, and mean,” Trump said. “Who do they think I am, some First Black President with a scary-sounding last name to ignorant white Americans? You can’t hound me for my birth certificate, or my taxes! But it’s just typical of the baby killing Dems, isn’t it?”

Trump pressed a button on his desk and his First Lady Ivanka entered the room in a French maid’s outfit, carrying a case of Diet Coke, freshly chilled. Trump pulled out six cans and shotgunned five of them before continuing.

“They’re all for open borders and letting the sixteen trillion illegal Mexicans — or at least Mexicany looking people — into our country ill-iggle-y,” Trump insisted. “And let’s be honest, they care more about those illegal Mexicans than they do about the babies they murder, like, all the time.”

Trump reached into his desk, into the special hot drawer he had installed that is filled with various fast food products, which are refreshed twice an hour. He removed a McDonald’s Big Mac, a bucket of KFC, and an Extra Cheesy Gordita Crunch from Taco Bell. He snacked as he rambled on.

“I’ve heard from several sources, which Stephen Miller gives me every morning in his Wormtongue Update, that the Democrats don’t just want post-birth abortions,” Trump said. “They want to have unlimited post-arousal abortions!”

Trump kept stuffing food into his face.

“Imagine the horror! These Democrats want you to be able to abort any pregnancy you want to, even after you get it up,” Trump said, shaking his head. “That’s just disgusting. And how do they even recommend that you abort the pregnancy at that point? How can you stop a pregnancy after you get a boner?”

Trump paused for a moment.

“No, really, can anyone tell me that? Because I keep having these little crotch fruit and none of them are as hot as the first one. What a rip off,” Trump bellowed to no one in particular. “If just one of them had been as hot as the first one…oh man. Anyway, what was I saying?”

President Trump farted. He blamed it on Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who reflexively apologized and begged for forgiveness. The president stopped short of pressing the button on his desk that would drop Huckabee Sanders down into the Rancor pit he had installed, but he warned that he was losing patience for her “constant, non stop farting.”

“Talk about killing a boner,” Trump said, gesturing toward his press secretary. “If she couldn’t lie so well, we’d have dropped that mutt back off at the pound months ago. Anyway, the point is NO COLLUSION, MUELLER’S REPORT WHICH YOU CANNOT EVER SEE COMPLETELY CLEARS MY NAME, AND ALSO MAKE HILLARY BENGHAZI OBAMA’S BIRTH CERTIFICATE I WANNA BANG IVANKA GREAT AGAIN!”

With the final word, Trump had lost all his energy and he passed out, his head hitting the desk. His staff quietly backed out of the room, as they’ve learned to do, so as not to disturb the slumbering White Collar Crook in Chief.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.