WASHINGTON, D.C. — Over the weekend, President Donald Trump spoke at CPAC — the Conservative Political Action Conference — and gave a barn burning, two-hour long monologue that often times veered off script into the bizarre and unhinged. At one point, Mr. Trump began forcing himself physically on an American flag that also happened to be on the stage with the president.
In the subsequent hours since the alleged sexual harassment of the flag, a lawsuit was filed on behalf of the flag by Stormy Daniels’ attorney and frequent Trump adversary Michael Avenatti. The suit alleges that Mr. Trump sexually accosted the flag, against its will and “moved on [the flag] like bitch.”
“No one is above the law or decorum and decency. But, also? Who the hell gets that sexually revved up about a piece of cloth anyway? Like, who knew one of the tenets of nationalism is wanting to bone a flag?” (The Pastiche Post)
Mr. Avenatti actually tweeted about the case, which many presumed was just another extremely hilarious satirical news story written by a supremely talented satirist. His tweet, below.
I’ll be holding a follow-up presser tomorrow at 9 am PT to discuss this new case. Jacob Wohl will be holding one as well – in the parking lot with a guy in a black trenchcoat with beats headphones on (his security detail). https://t.co/5apSb939WN
— Michael Avenatti (@MichaelAvenatti) March 4, 2019
At the follow-up presser Mr. Avenatti mentioned, the flag itself was in attendance. Mr. Avenatti opened up the press conference to questions. His client answered as best she could.
“It was all just a blur. One minute, I’m standing there, minding my owns, and the next thing I know I felt this tremendous weight — much heavier than, say, about 239 pounds, draped all over me,” the flag told reporters. “Whatever was on me smelled like borscht and hooker pee and shame. He started whispering horrible things in my ear.”
The flag held back tears as she divulged what Trump said to her.
“He kept saying, ‘Be my little Flag-vanka!’ Over and over again, all quiet and raspy. I think he was trying to come off as suave and sexy,” American Flag said. “He kept saying he’d treat me like a daughter…the ‘fuckable one,’ he called her.”
Asked what was going through her mind at the time that everyone at CPAC was cheering and hollering in support of her sexual assault.
“It was so hurtful. They claim to love me, but they’re letting some gross reality-TV trust fund racist get all handsy and gropey with me? Makes no sense,” the flag explained. “If he wanted to show me honor and respect, why couldn’t he have just taken a knee in front of me?”
Reporters asked if the flag, or any of her fellow flags in the flag community, are offended when professional athletes kneel in front of them.
“Are you fucking kidding me? Kneeling is the ultimate sign of respect and fealty,” American Flag answered quickly. “I’ve never gotten why the smaller minds out there don’t get that. They aren’t turning their backs on us. They aren’t burning us, even. They’re quietly kneeling like people do for kings or Gods. I thought these people liked God.”
The flag shrugged.
“My client will have her day in court, and a jury of her peers I am sure will award her bigly sums for this outrageous behavior on the part of the president,” Avenatti said. “Trust me, when this is all said and done, Flag and I will be toasting victory with champagne and a bowl of my special basta pasta!”
This is a developing story.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.