WASHINGTON. D.C. — President Donald Trump abruptly walked away from his much-ballyhooed summit with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un this week, and is back in the White House. Some have praised Trump for walking away from what he thought was a bad deal with North Korea, and others have wondered if the summit was just a publicity stunt, and if Trump ended up leaving allies like South Korea and his own diplomats’ holding the bag.
Today, sources within the White House report that while Trump was “generally satisfied” with the trip to Vietnam and the summit itself, there was one “major bigly” complaint he had for aides, and he really let them hear it.
“Can you worthless a-holes tell me something? How come I didn’t get to stay at the Hanoi Hilton? John McCain did,” our sources tell us Trump fumed. “If that fake war hero McCain gets to stay at a fancy-shmancy hotel, then goddamnit the most powerful man in the history of all things damn sure better get to stay at that same hotel, if not a better one!”
Aides tried to explain to Mr. Trump that the Hanoi Hilton is just a nickname given to the infamous Hoa Lo Prison where the North Vietnamese held captive prisoners of war. At the Hanoi Hilton, men like McCain were tortured for information. Trump waved off this information.
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“I don’t care about any of that! What I care about is that McCain got something I didn’t get,” Trump said. “Mommy always said I get to have what everyone else has, and if I don’t have it, I get to take it whenever I want. She taught me first how to move on things like bitches. If John McCain gets to sleep in a tiger cage, than so should I, because I might not like dogs, but I’m a pretty big fan of cats.”
Our sources tell us that President Trump spent most of the rest of the morning sulking. Every so often he’d have a plate of KFC and a 2-liter bottle of Diet Coke delivered to the Oval Office. Trump would absent mindedly pick at the chicken and drink the soda, but he never quite got over the fact that McCain “got something” he didn’t.
“I get everything now! I’m president! It says in the U.S. Constellation,” Trump insisted. “Whatever the president wants, he gets! So if I say I want to stay in a hotel, or if I say I want to stay in a jail, then you put me in jail, damn it!”
A cloud of smoke appeared from seemingly out of nowhere. When it cleared, Special Counsel Robert Mueller was standing where the the smoke had been. He was flanked by two FBI agents with handcuffs.
“Your wish is our command, Mr. President. Cuff ’em, boys,” Mueller said.
Suddenly, an alarm clock started ringing. Quietly at first, but gaining in volume with each passing moment. Everyone in the Oval Office started looking for the clock, but just as Trump thought he’d found it behind a potted plant, he awoke with a start.
He was back in his bed. In the presidential residence. His First Lady was sleeping soundly next to him.
“It was just a dream. Oh thank God, it was just a dream,” Trump mumbled, turning to his First Lady. “I can’t wait ’til the morning to tell you about the dream I had, Ivanka Baby!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.