A letter has been delivered to President Donald J. Trump at the White House, sent from from all 56 Mexican countries.
“We, the people of the 56 Mexican countries in the world hereby reaffirm our solemn oath to never, ever pay for a single brick, inch of barbed wire, or any other material or cost associated with your monument to white supremacy,” the letter states. “There were, admittedly, a handful of Mexican countries that briefly considered paying for the wall, just to shut you the eff up about it, but ultimately we talked it out, and all 56 Mexican countries are standing firm.”
During the 2016 presidential campaign, then candidate Trump promised at rallies and in interviews that he’d force Mexico to somehow, some way pay for a massive wall at the U.S. southern border. Sources within the White House say he and his senior policy adviser Stephen Miller were planning to keep the other 56 Mexican countries in their back pocket as a means to ultimately keep the campaign promise, in case the primary Mexico were to rebuff the administration. According to several people within the administration speaking on condition of anonymity and Chick-Fil-A gift cards, this new letter has sent Miller and Trump scrambling.
“Stephen had to cancel his weekly book burning, and the president cut back to just 17 hours of Executive Time so they could focus on this new crisis,” one source told us. “It’s made especially difficult by the fact that the president had to have Miller read the letter to him since, you know, the president is a semi-literate Adderall addict with the attention span of a crackhead gnat.”
Once Trump was fully up to speed on the situation, however, he was rattling off potential solutions and workarounds.
“Hang on! Isn’t New Mexico ours? Don’t we get to say what happens in New Mexico,” Trump reportedly asked incredulously. “Why can’t we have our Mexican country talk to those other 6500 Angry Democrat Mexican Countries? Problem solved. Next?!”
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After thirty minutes of explaining a whole bevy of things to the president that would make his plan impossible, Trump threw his hands up.
“Well, I give up then. Who knew international diplomacy and being the most powerful person in the world could be so complicated? I sure didn’t,” Trump admitted, shaking his head and letting out a long, strong fart, which he blamed on Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who was not in the room. “Ooof! Sarah! Jeez. No more nacho cheese covered hot dogs for YOU my girl! Hooooooooooooo-weeeee!”
Trump started scratching himself, putting his feet up on the Resolute Desk as he did so. For a solid thirty seconds, he held up the diminutive index finger on his left hand, while his right furiously pawed at his crotch, attempting to scratch the itch.
“Where’s my First Lady when I need her? I’ll find out,” Trump said, pressing a button. “Sarah, when you’re done farting in there, can you have Ivanka come down the Ovum Office? I have a need for her skills.”
Huckabee, mouth full of doughnut, said she’d get Ivanka down to the White House as soon as she could.
“Okay, you all better get out of here,” Trump said, shooing away everyone in the room. “Vanky Baby and I need some privacy. Daddy-Daughter time, folks. You know what that means.”
A pause, and another fart.
“It means we need this room all to ourselves for a solid thirty seconds to two minutes, depending on how the Real Don Jr. is feeling today,” Trump said, pausing a moment before adding, “I call my genitals Real Don Jr., FYI.”
This story is developing.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.