Stephen Hawking is dead.
The world is now mourning the loss of one of the most brilliant, some may say “gifted,” minds the species has ever known. The thoughts, theories, and work that Dr. Hawking leaves behind as his legacy are testament to the wonder that was his brain, as if fighting one of the longest battles against one of the most destructive diseases that threatens humankind wasn’t proof enough.Undoubtedly, Hawking will be known for the prowess contained within his cranium.
But did you know he was also hung like a GD horse?
It’s true. Though it’s not a very well known piece of trivia, Dr. Hawking had an enormous “dong,” as it’s referred to in the medical community. Unsurprisingly, however, there is a perfectly reasonable and scientific explanation for this, and it can be explained in just five simple reasons.
5 Scientific Reasons Stephen Hawking Was Hung Like A Horse
#1. It’s Just God’s Plan
This is obviously the most scientific explanation for why Dr. Hawking had a big one. Everyone knows the theory of relativity that was developed by Albert Einstein, but in case you don’t know — basically it says, “The Lord works in mysterious ways.” Of course the one, true, provable God would make up for afflicting Hawking with ALS by giving him a massive schlonger.
#2. The 69th Law Of Thermodynamics
The first law of thermodynamics states, of course, that “energy cannot be created or destroyed in an isolated system.” Some people think that there are only three laws of thermodynamics, but those people never graduated from the science institute at Trump University like I did, and they don’t know like I do that there are hundreds of laws of thermodynamics. The 69th such law states very plainly “super smart guys will also have weighty puds.”
#3. It Got Big By Osmosis
Even some real scholars of Hawking’s life and career don’t know that he spent several years traveling the world with adult film star Bobby “Gargantu-dick” Malloy, who for a time was the most famous male porn star. Malloy and Hawking went around the globe giving scientific talks and demonstrations of certain special sexual positions. You probably didn’t know Malloy was a scientist and Hawking was a wizard in the sheets, did you? The point is, that all that time together caused Hawking’s schvantz to grow by the process of osmosis.
#4. The Sun’s Gravitational Effect On The Earth Stretched It Way, Way Out
As Sir Isaac Newton once famously put it, “Gravity is cray, y’all.” It can do all kinds of weird things to us. It can pull entire buildings down. It can make that penny you dropped hit the ground and make a cool little “tink tink tink tink” sound. But perhaps its most important contribution to our lives was when it helped stretch Dr. Stephen Hawking’s wang to stratospheric heights.
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#5. Stephen Hawking Was Literally A Horse
Maybe the most obvious reason he was a hung like a horse is that Stephen Hawking was literally a horse. Why do you think he had to use that Speak-N-Spell thing to talk? Horses can’t talk!
James’ satirical works can also be found on The Pastiche Post and The Political Garbage Chute.