LOST ALAMO, NM – Following the tragic news of the loss of Stephen Hawking, a prominent group of White Supremaphysicists scrambled early this morning to forever memorialize the late mathematician and astronomer by renaming “black holes” to “Hawking Holes.”
Of the countless contributions Dr. Stephen Hawking made to the world of astronomy, mathematics, and physics, scientists are unanimous in agreement that the famed astropsychic’s most significant contribution to science was the discovery that not only did the universe start with The Big Bang, but the universe will end with everything turning into a black hole.
At the Lost Alamo National Observatory in New Mexico, the League of Concerned Physicists not only moved the Doomsday Clock™ one minute closer to midnight upon hearing news of Hawking’s death, but also sought to change the name of “Black Holes” to “Hawking Holes.”
“Dr. Hawking’s work was always a huge influence on us,” said astropsychicist Nigel deGass Tyler, adding “With today’s social justice climate, it’s important for us to take steps wherever we can to protect his discoveries. These people need to know one simple thing – You will not replace us!”
Other scientists echoed Tyler’s sentiments.
Phil Jewd, who formerly hosted the popular children’s television program Phil Jewd the Science Dude, said “You see, the problem we’ve had for decades is that we’ve been calling these things ‘Black Holes’ when they’re not really holes at all. They’re the remnants of stars that exploded hundreds or thousands of of millennia ago that condensed down into something so dense that we can’t even directly observe it. So they’re not really black, they just can’t be seen by us. So it doesn’t make sense for black people to culturally appropriate their name when we can defend science by simply renaming them to ‘Hawking Holes.’ Blood and soil!”
Reactions to the announcement were mixed. One local man Alternatice-Science.com spoke with lauded the move as “most appropriate.”
“It’s about time that we recognize that white people need recognition too. It’s the most appropriate thing we can do! I was listening to Tilapia Lahren talk about this, and she made a lot of sense – ALL holes matter!” said Jack King.
Others weren’t so pleased. Sophia Masters pointed out what she feels is a flaw in Phil Jewd’s science.
“Isn’t the absence of light, by definition, black? I mean, don’t we say it’s ‘pitch black outside’ when it’s dark? I just don’t get it.” said Masters.