For years, zoologists and veterinarians have known but not understood a curious fact about common domesticated house cats. That fact is: They love to get high and watch episodes of “Queer Eye” on Netflix. The fact that cats like the combination of cannabis and fun, life-affirming reality shows is as common knowledge among animal lovers and scientists as the fact that peanut butter is a good personal lubricant is common knowledge among all of us.
Still, though, up until very recently,everyone could tell that a cat liked to get baked and watch “Queer Eye,” but they hadn’t any clues why. We decided, in the interest of science, to conduct our own research. I live in a 420-friendly state, and I bought myself a cat specifically for this research project.
I named her Kitty.
Though my research will need to be peer-reviewed and repeated, initial conclusions offer the best glimpses yet into exactly what makes a cat want to get high and chill out with some uplifting, feel-good TV. The studies suggest there are 42 signs a house cat will want to get high and watch “Queer Eye” with you, and in the interest of time and everyone’s attention spans, here are the seven most important.
7 Signs Your Cat Wants to Get High and Watch “Queer Eye” With You
1. You’ve Just Gone to Taco Bell and Gotten a Nacho Taco Box
This is not an ad, by the way, but have you guys tried the new Nacho Tacos at Taco Bell? The geniuses at America’s Favorite and Most Authentic Mexican Restaurant somehow figured out that adding nacho cheese to regular menu items magically makes them brand new, limited time menu items, even though you could technically just, say, order a taco and some nacho cheese on the side and then pour the nacho cheese into the taco yourself. Anyway, the point is that all this week, any time I’d go to Taco Bell and get one of those boxes, I’d come home and get high with Kitty, and wouldn’t you know it, Kitty would start pawing at the TV and meowing in a very, “Hey, let’s watch Netflix,” kinda way.
2. Your Favorite Dispensary Has Dutch Treat at a Great Per Gram Price
I noticed that for a solid month, any time my favorite dispensary had the sativa strain known as “Dutch Treat” at a decent price per gram, my cat was instantly into the idea of watching “Queer Eye” and doing a jay with me. If that’s not a perfect example of correlation equals causation — the most important scientific principle in all of sciencery — I don’t know what would be.
3. There Are New Episodes of “Queer Eye” Available on Netflix
It was quite uncanny, now that I think about it. I got home from work, did a bong load, and as soon as I got an alert on my phone that Netflix had uploaded a new season of “Queer Eye,” Kitty jumped in lap. Then, with a deft motion of her tail, she smacked the phone out of my hand, spun around, caught the phone with her two front paws, somehow unlocked my biometric lock screen, and then dialed up the season premiere and pressed “Play.” I would be lying if I didn’t say I wasn’t really impressed, and that my bong load wasn’t also packed with a tiny bit of Molly, but I don’t think that really changes the takeaway here.
4. They Make a Sound That I Can Only Describe as “Throat Revving”
Everyone who knows me knows that a) I love cats, b) I am very familiar with all things cat, and c) cats are totally my thing. So that’s why when I heard this noise coming out of my cat just after we’d shared a dab hit I thought maybe Kitty was trying to telling me something. Indeed she was, and to my surprise, she was telling me to put on an episode of “Queer Eye.” The sound that I heard, in case you were wondering, sounded like some kind of whirring sound coming from her throat-ish region, so I called her “throat revving,” but I’m not a vet, just an amateur cat Ph.D, so I’ll follow up with one and let you know how it goes.
Update: My friend the vet is a smug asshole and I’m not going to print what he said in his email. Jerky Justin.
5. They Develop a Furry, Hair Like Growth All Over Their Bodies
All cats are bald. This is indisputable, scientifically suggestive fact. Of course, you may be wondering why, therefore, you’ve seen so many cats with furry, hair like growth on most, if not all, of their bodies. The answer is quite simple, really. All those cats got high and watched “Queer Eye.” You may therefore be wondering how that’s possible since cats have had fur since before there even was a “Queer Eye,” the first time around. And the answer to that is even simpler…
HEY WHAT’S THAT OVER THERE?!
6. Your Cat Asks You If You Want to Get Baked and Watch “Queer Eye”
Maybe this one seems obvious to some, but until we did the research we couldn’t know for sure. It turns out, that almost every single time my cat came to me and asked me flat-out if I wanted to smoke some pot and watch “Queer Eye,” she really wanted to get high and watch “Queer Eye.” The only times she didn’t was when she was being sarcastic, but that’s my deal for having a snarky cat.
7 You Kinda Just Wanna Get Baked and Watch Episodes of “Queer Eye” on Netflix
Cats are, despite what some think, very social animals. They are able to pick up on our “vibes,” from a science-tastic point of view, and mimic them. If you’re chill, your cat wants to be chill. And our research proved pretty conclusively that when you want to get high and watch “Queer Eye,” so does your cat. And even if she doesn’t, she doesn’t speak your language and you don’t speak hers, so who’s really gonna stop you, Billy?
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.