New Poll: 99% of Humanity Wants Steve Irwin to Trade Places With PETA

This morning, the results of a new flash poll were released and executives on the board of PETA — People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals — may not want to read them.

Over the past two days, polling company We Poll You So Hard teamed up with The Bishopford Gazette in upstate New York to ask more than 1,200 respondents whose side they’re on — PETA’s or Steve Irwin’s. Readers might remember Mr. Irwin as the “Crocodile Hunter,” the affable Australian who hosted a show with the same name on Animal Planet for years with his wife, and later his two small children. Irwin died while on location filming for his show when he was stung by a ray.

Last Friday, Irwin would have turned 57 years old, and in tribute Google published a “doodle” — one of their homepage cartoons — in honor of his birthday. PETA took that opportunity to insult the legacy of Irwin, which drew almost immediate clapback all over Twitter.

In the poll, 99% of people who responded said that they would prefer it if PETA and Steve Irwin traded places now. People were contacted on each continent, and in several different countries, via landline, cell phone, smoke signals, and messages in bottles. 99 out of every 100 respondents answered “without hesitation,” according to We Poll You, that if given a choice between a world with PETA in it, or a world with Irwin in it, they’d choose Irwin.

“It was really not even close,” We Poll You deputy media liaison Susan Comwilliford told us. “Even most animal rights activists think PETA are a bunch of d-bags. Almost no one had a bad thing to say about Steve Irwin.”

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The poll also included questions that compared PETA to other things, and asked which was more popular.

“PETA is less popular than bowel cancer, pediatric AIDS, Lindsey Lohan’s musical career, and Papa John’s pizza,” Comwilliford indicated. “Even Nickleback and drinking bleach was considered favorably to PETA. I’m sorry to say, but pretty much everyone not employed by PETA hates PETA.”

Representatives from PETA were too busy on their new campaign to stop “anti-insect discrimination” to respond in-depth to our request for comment.

“We’re sorry, but we’re a little too busy trying to make ourselves feel superior because we won’t even insult insects by saying someone is bugging us,” PETA spokesperson Douchey LaRue told us. “So, get back to us in a month or two, okay?”

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

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Written by James Schlarmann

James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a political satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well.

You definitely should not give that much a shit about his opinions.