The Alternative Science Behind the All-Bacon Diet

Fad and crash diets are a dime a dozen, and not anything new. For as long as humans have lived, it seems there have always been attempts to use what we eat to help shape what we look and feel like.  Whether it’s the Atkins, Paleo, Raw, or South Beach diets, it seems every few months we’re told there’s a newer, better way to diet.

But as of right now, you can probably throw all those other diet cookbooks, shakes, and smoothies away, because researchers at the National Porcine Science Institute have released findings of a study that shows all other diets pale in comparison to the All-Bacon Diet.

The All-Bacon diet sounds complicated at first. You might have all kinds of questions about it. Questions like…

Why does the all-bacon diet work?

How much bacon do I eat?

So, I eat literally only bacon?

Is there a special kind of bacon, or can I eat any kind of bacon?

Can I drink the grease or make gravy with it to increase the health benefits I am receiving?

Where do babies come from?

Why do I smell so badly after rolling around in dog shit?

Buy this shirt and help us feed these kids that won’t keep bothering us about eating:

Well, we can’t possibly answer all those questions for you, but we can certainly answer some, and try to explain the alternative science behind one of the fastest growing fad diets in the history of the world.

Let’s start with the absolute basics: Why does the all-bacon diet work? Well, that answer is quite simple, and can be explained with three simple facts.

#1. The Human Body Metabolizes Bacon Better Than Any Other Food Product

Think your body needs a balanced diet of carbs, proteins, fruits, vegetables, minerals, and vitamins? Nope. The alternative science is clear – the literal only thing your body needs to survive is bacon. You can go ahead and put it between two slices of toast if you want, but then you’re not doing the all-bacon diet, are you? It is true man cannot live on bread alone, but all you really need is bacon.

#2. Heart Disease is a Fake News Conspiracy Between Big Pharma and The Dairy Association Of America and In Fact The Human Heart’s Natural Fuel Is Bacon Grease

Who else but the pharmaceutical companies and the dairy farmers would have a stake in keeping you off bacon and on heart pills and eating cow? And what those people will never tell you is the truth about the human heart — its natural fuel is bacon grease. Think about it — is there anything that isn’t made better with bacon? Well, the human heart runs on the same principle — it can do okay without bacon grease, but pour a little on its valves and you get something truly spectacular, and frankly tasty to boot!

#3. The Human Body Is About 60% Water, But The Rest Is Bacon

This is perhaps the most important factor in understanding why the All-Bacon diet works. It is true and well-documented science that our bodies are roughly 60% water. The rest though, has always been a bit of a mystery to scientists. That is, until late last year. Researchers discovered that the remaining 40% of our bodies is bacon, and that’s why the all-bacon diet is so revolutionary — it feeds that 40% of your body to capacity.

So how do you get started on the All-Bacon diet? It’s so easy!

-Throw out all food in your house that isn’t bacon

-Buy only bacon

-Eat bacon

Of course, as with any diet your mileage may very, and you should to talk your doctor before starting any diet, as long as it’s a doctor approved by the American Bacon Council.

James‘ satire is found on:
Alternative Facts
Alternative Science,
The Political Garbage Chute
The Pastiche Post


6 Signs You Have Windmill Cancer
Teen gets pregnant after snorting condoms at a party

Written by James Schlarmann

James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a political satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well.

You definitely should not give that much a shit about his opinions.