Dan Broadbent 
CHICAGO, IL – While visiting the Shedd Aquarium downtown, Chicago native James Wheeling had quite the unusual encounter with a beluga whale.
“I was wandering around the tank when the whale just came up to the wall and squared up against me,” Mr. Wheeling said.
“He started to shout at me, saying something about my late mother and making fun of my camouflage hat. I wasn’t really all that close to my mother, so that didn’t bother me too much, but my hat – I love that hat. It goes with every outfit I have! All five of my green t-shirts with a pocket on the front, my brown t-shirt with a pocket on the front, and even the five other earth tone shirts with pockets on their front!”
Editor’s note: Beluga whales are known for their hostility. Below, you’ll see a wild beluga whale just before it was captured and its nose sword cut off. The swords are sought after by naturopaths for their well-documented healing properties: eating just a couple flakes of it every day can add up to 15 years to your life.
Moments after the beluga whale squared up against him, Wheeling began frantically searching for stairs so he could jump into the tank. Like all men just before a fight, Wheeling took his shirt off while doing so.
Onlookers were aghast, though not by the display of raw masculine aggression, but because during the kerfuffle, Wheeling’s hat fell to the ground.
What followed next was nothing short of a scene from COPS. Security at the aquarium intervened, restraining the beluga whale, which was now out of its tank and approaching Wheeling. The whale was heard saying “be glad these guys are holding me back! If only I had my nose sword, it wouldn’t be so easy!”
Afterwards, Wheeling lamented his fallen comrade – his hat. Like with all things ‘Murican, the camouflage hat must be burned if it ever touches the ground, out of respect for those who fought for it.
“I’m a veteran after all, so that hat means a lot to me,” Wheeling said at the hat’s burial.
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