WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump reporters today that he’s “pretty sure” he’s not racist, although he admitted that it’s “been tough to tell lately.”
“You know, sure I was sued by the federal government in the 1970’s because I literally wasn’t letting black people rent apartments in some of my buildings I wanted to keep white only,” President Trump told a press gaggle on the White House lawn. “And, sure, I only tell people of color to go back where they came from, and yes I once asked a black reporter if she was friends with the Congressional Black Caucus because, you know, she’s black, but I do not have a racist bone in my body!”
President Trump said that while he doesn’t think he’s racist, all the talk of whether he is racist or not has had him reconsidering everything he thought he once knew.
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“Am I really racist just because I think, by default, white people are superior? Does it make me racist to summarize an entire country’s population as murderers, drug dealers and rapists,” Trump asked. “No, really, is that racist? Because I’m an old school white guy who’s used to just saying racist stuff but not getting called on it because I’m old and white. Oh! Also, I’m rich! Doesn’t that entitle me to saying anything I want, whenever I want?”
At one point, the president started wondering aloud exactly what he could do or not do in order to be labeled racist or not.
“I could lynch someone on 5th Avenue,” Trump suggested, “but that doesn’t mean I’m racist, does it? No, really, does it? I’m getting more and more confused as time goes on.”
The president insisted that “several people” have told him flat out he’s not racist.
“People like Ben Carson and Candace Owens have told me that! Two whole blacks! I have two whole blacks! Doesn’t that mean anything,” Trump asked frantically. “Oh! And Cubic Zirconia and Rayon! Those two lovely urban ladies! I have them too! And it’s not like they have some vested, financial reason to play Uncle and Aunt Tom for me, right? Right? RIGHT?!”
Reached for comment, one of Trump’s earliest 2016 supporters said he “hopes Trump is still racist” so he can throw his support behind the president’s re-election campaign.
“He better still be goddamn racist,” David Duke told us via Skype. “Because that’s the only reason me and my clan are supporting him! We need someone with the white vision for the country, and I truly think Trump is the white man for the job, provided he’s still very, very racist, which it certainly seems like he is to me. I know I spend most of my days telling brown people to back where they came from, too, so…”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”