COPA MILAGRO, NEW MEXICO — Grant Tabor is a lifelong resident of New Mexico, and as he calls himself, “a dyed in the wool, rock-ribbed, shoot-em-up” Conservative. Tabor is one of thousands of Christians who have joined the boycott of coffee purveyor Starbucks after the caffeine-selling corporation unveiled its new cups for the holiday season, and not a single icon of the winter holidays was to be seen on the plain, red cups with the Starbucks corporate logo. Mr. Tabor said it was a “no brainer” decision to join the boycott after he “saw the first salvo fired in this year’s War on Christmas.”
“How dare that company make its own marketing decisions if those decisions don’t promote my personal religious beliefs,” Tabor demanded rhetorically. “I mean, sure, I could just walk into any single other retailer in the country and be hit with more Christmas symbolism than I know what to do with, but I’m also an American and therefore lazy and would rather that life cater to me, while ironically blasting libtards for being lazy moochers, of course.”
Ultimately, Grant said he decided to try a new venue for procuring his coffee — the 7-Eleven just down the block from his house. He said that it was intimidating at first because 7-Eleven “gives you so many options to choose from,” but in the end he went with “a nice, conservative cup of regular coffee, two creams, a sugar packet” and he when he got out to his car he put “about three shots of good bourbon into it too.”
At what is usually a quick stop at a red light just outside the 7-Eleven, Tabor says things took a turn for the mystical.
“I’m sitting there, drinking my Joe, waiting for the light to turn green, and I must’ve gotten distracted by something, because I spilled a little bit as I was sipping it,” Grant told us, “and the next thing I know, I’m looking at the cup to see if there’s a hole in it somewhere, and what do my eyes see but an image, clear as shit, of Jesus Christ himself!” Grant said there on his coffee cup, which was decorated in a festive way for the holidays, was a faint but very distinguishable image of Jesus of Nazareth, who Grant said he’d “recognize anywhere,” but not because of his Christian faith, which is quite strong, but because he’s seen Christ in other locations before.
It turns out, spotting Christ in his coffee cup was just the latest place he claims to have seen the King of Kings. “In my Arby’s Big Beef and Cheddar, in my Denver omelette at IHOP the other day, and then one time in an everything bagel with lox and cream cheese I was having,” Tabor told our interviewer, “I’ve seen Jesus before. Although the bagel time it was the Baby Jesus, but that still counts. I just always take it to mean that I’m getting my food and/or beverage item at a place that God himself would visit, so clearly 7-Eleven is blessed and Starbucks is the tool of Satan himself.”
“If Starbucks is going to get involved on the wrong side of the War on Christmas, then so be it,” Tabor said as the interview was concluding, “there are tons of other places in my town that cater to my own personal beliefs, and I’m going to take my business to those places. Apparently God agrees with me getting my coffee at 7-Eleven, so that’s a start.”
James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPost, Alternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.News, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals.