CAJA DE DIABLA RUBIA, CALIFORNIA — Fox News contributor Tammy Lahren told Fox & Friends viewers this morning that she is “completely and totally, like, full-on mad or whatever” about DNA testing that was recently done on Santa Claus.
“So apparently Santa did a Deena test, and he used that company 23andMe,” Lahren told Fox & Friends this morning. “It turns out, Santa’s got, like, 3-5% African blood.”
Tinseltown Lahren says that Santa’s DNA results “raise serious questions.”
“I guess we understand why he’s all for free stuff; the Democrats have gotten Santa hooked on the handouts,” Lahren said with smug satisfaction. “It’s clearly time to end Santa’s welfare program. Kids should work for their toys or go without.”
Lahren says the results show a “clear anti-white bias” and reminded viewers that “all fictional character races matter.”
“What I’m really concerned about is if this African blood means Santa won’t stand for the anthem,” Lahren said. “We all know it’s uppity urbans leading that charge, and now we have to wonder just how urban Santa really is.”
Tributary pondered the many ways American conservatives might be able to suss out just how black Santa Claus is.
“Like, is he gonna listen to gang-star rap? Is he going to play basketball,” Lahren wondered. “We have to ask these questions, not because we’re racist or racially insensitive, but because about 25% of our viewers are, and that still means something in America, OBAMA!”
Barack Obama wasn’t anywhere near Timbale or even watching Fox News at the time.
“If this isn’t a conspiracy orchestrated by the Obama-Clinton Deep State, then I don’t know what is,” Tilamook said. “This is outrageous, I am outraged, and the only thing that’s going to sate my outrage is four minutes of boner pill, day trading, and gold buying commercials. Take it away, Steve!”
Steve Doocy threw the show to a commercial break.
James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPost, Alternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.News, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals.