A Scientific Breakdown of All the Racism in Spike Lee’s Oscar Acceptance Speech

Last night, iconic film director Spike Lee made personal history when he was finally awarded an Academy Award for Best Adapted Screenplay. Lee won for his work adapting “Black KKKlansman” for the silver screen.

Lee made headlines not just for jumping into the arms of his friend Samuel L. Jackson as he prepared to accept his Oscar and give his acceptance speech; Lee made waves with the speech itself.

The speech was important and big enough news for even the most powerful man in the free world to interrupt his Executive Time to tweet about it.

One thing that caught our eye here at Alternative Science, is the line that Trump used to describe Lee’s speech. Specifically, Trump referred to Lee’s speech as a “racist hit on your President.” Given Mr. Trump’s documented inability to ever lie about anything ever in the history of things — except those very rare times he always lies — it seemed like an extremely accurate and trustworthy statement we could just accept as fact on its face.

However, our dedication to science demands that we verify the president’s hypothesis — that Lee’s speech was a racist hit job on Trump — and we contacted several companies that develop artificial intelligence. We found a company willing to help us design an application that can read text and highlight all the areas that are racist against Donald Trump.

We were shocked that it only took the company ten seconds to develop the real, very powerful tool we fed the full transcript of Lee’s speech into. We used a transcript from The Failing New York Times to be as unbiased toward our Dear President as we could be without being brought up on charges of Disloyalty and Disrespect to the Fuhrer ourselves.

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While reading the transcript below, anything you find in bold, red text like this is what the algorithm detected as being racist. Bold blue text like this indicates words that are racist against Donald Trump.

The word today is “irony.” The date, the 24th. The month, February, which also happens to be the shortest month of the year, which also happens to be Black History month. The year, 2019. The year, 1619. History. Her story. 1619. 2019. 400 years.

Four hundred years. Our ancestors were stolen from Mother Africa and bought to Jamestown, Virginia, enslaved. Our ancestors worked the land from can’t see in the morning to can’t see at night. My grandmother, [inaudible], who lived to be 100 years young, who was a Spelman College graduate even though her mother was a slave. My grandmother who saved 50 years of social security checks to put her first grandchild — she called me Spikie-poo — she put me through Morehouse College and N.Y.U. grad film. N.Y.U.!

Before the world tonight, I give praise to our ancestors who have built this country into what it is today along with the genocide of its native people. We all connect with our ancestors. We will have love and wisdom regained, we will regain our humanity. It will be a powerful moment. The 2020 presidential election is around the corner. Let’s all mobilize. Let’s all be on the right side of history. Make the moral choice between love versus hate. Let’s do the right thing! You know I had to get that in there.

Reached for comment, the White House said that our algorithm “clearly wasn’t calibrated white” and that we were “obviously trying to cuck” Trump.

“If your tool can’t detect the racism against Trump in Spike Lee’s speech, your tool is broken,” Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said in a nacho cheese stained letter to us. “Any time an urban gets uppity and stops singing our president’s praises, that’s racist. What’s not racist is only criticizing black athletes who kneel for the pledge, or thinking all black reporters are the same person, not renting to black people, and of course, taking out a full-page ad demanding give black dudes get put to death to make white people feel safer. All of those things are very totes not-racist, fam.”

Mr. Lee did not comment on this story.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

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Written by James Schlarmann

James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a political satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well.

You definitely should not give that much a shit about his opinions.