According to scholars and experts on the subject, one of the greatest mysteries of our lifetimes may never, ever be solved. “Who Is Meghan McCain’s father?” “I just don’t think there’s enough evidence out there to find a definitive answer, to be quite honest,” Susan Kilpatrick of the American Institute for Things, Stuff, and Such […] More
Essential oils don’t just make your room smell less like farts and more like farts and cedar wood. They are highly-potent, toxin killing, super-mega-ultra-tacobella-healthy for us. At least that’s what some dude on a Facebook thread told me once when I told him that he should get his baby vaccinated. He told me he’d rather […] More
VIRGINIA BEACH, VIRGINIA — Though he didn’t give his Independence Day speech until hours later after the initial shockwaves subsided, President Donald Trump triggered an earthquake in California yesterday when God applauded him earlier in the day. At least that’s what televangelist Pat Robertson believes. Rev. Robertson told listeners of his Friday podcast series that […] More
Of the literal trillions of crimes that Big Pharma commits every day, perhaps none is more cruel than when they “sell” you “drugs” to “help” you get “better” when you’re “sick.” Why all the quotation marks? Because those are all buzzwords that Big Pharma uses to convince you to keep using their so-called “medicines.” Sure, you might […] More
MUERTE DE CUNA COVE, OREGON — Krystal and Chad Benning could not possibly be more excited to be parents. They got married in their mid-20’s, just after both of them graduated from Western Oregon University. Krystal got her degree in finance, and Chad got his degree in criminal studies, and the two began their careers […] More
Are you depressed? Of course you are. If you’re not, you might want to ask yourself why not? Everyone remembers back in the 1930’s it was very “in vogue” to be depressed. Then there was the great Manic Depressive Purge of 1986 we’ll never forget. But the point is, you are now, have been, or […] More
VALLE LA CHINGADA ESTUPIDA, CALIFORNIA — Today the Double-Dean of Admission at the world’s foremost leading pseudo-medical research university announced the addition of a new teaching doctor to the faculty. “It is with great honor and extinction that I warmly welcome Dr. Jessica Biel to the Mercola University faculty,” Dr. Jenny McCarthy wrote in a […] More
Sciencetistically speaking, we are literally surrounded by a-holes. That’s because Newton’s Third Law of A-holes states that for every a-hole, there’s an equally assholeish person right next to them. Newton’s theory was famously tested by Albert Einstein just days before the latter’s famous relativity equation was published. “I can say without a doubt that E=MC²,” […] More
AIR FORCE INDIVIDUAL-1 — Flying back across the Atlantic to Washington, D.C. after participating in ceremonies honoring the 7th Anniversary of D-Day , President. Trump told reporters he has decided to order his Space Force to begin construction of a new space military installment on the shared Earth/Mars moon. Mr. Trump had been Europe for […] More
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Whether or not the city of Boston permits a “straight pride” parade later this summer, sources close to enough to smell the sweat in his satin thong underpants say that Vice President Mike Pence has, “sprung a big stiffy” thinking about it. “Oh my goodness, Mother! Just think of the verile, alpha […] More
