William Barr Writes 4 Page Letter Summarizing Harry Potter Novels and Exonerating Voldemort

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Attorney General William Barr has only been back at the Department of Justice for a couple of weeks, but has already made a reputation for himself as someone who loves to write summaries.

“His Mueller Report summary was definitely interesting, to say the least, but when he came into the office this morning, he had a new four-page report with him,” a source within DOJ told us on the conditions of anonymity and AutoZone gift cards. “This time, he had summarized all seven Harry Potter novels.”

It took author J.K. Rowling about 15 years from the time she started work on the first book in her literary master work until the last book was published. It took Barr roughly a day and a half to write his summary. Our source tells us that Barr’s letter on Harry Potter exonerates the story’s chief antagonist, Voldemort.

“There are over 4,000 pages in the Harry Potter novels, and I would have thought it would take Attorney General Barr at least a few months to get through all that text,” our source told us. “But he took all seven books home with him on Friday night, and came in this morning with a four page report on them.”

Barr’s report on the Harry Potter novels leaves out “an absolute ass load” of information and expository details, according to our DOJ source.

“He pretty much took four random sections of text that had nothing or very little to do with the central question of Voldemort’s guilt, and focused on them,” our source says. “Out of seven novels and four thousand pages, he came up with, basically, ‘I can’t find enough evidence to say Voldemort was a bad guy.'”

Attorney General Barr’s report on Harry Potter comes at the same time that Barr ordered all copies of the Harry Potter novels deemed “highly sensitive and classified.” Barr has asked the president to issue orders to the army to have all copies of the stories either locked away or burned.

“The last thing Attorney General Barr wants is someone getting their hands on the source material,” the DOJ source said. “Imagine how many questions he’d have to answer if people could draw their own conclusions instead of having to trust his word.”

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Reached for comment, Rowling reiterated that Voldemort is in fact “the worst character in the book” and said she doesn’t understand how Barr could make such a conclusion, especially after having so little time with the books.

“It’s just odd to me that he could summarize so much information so quickly,” Rowling’s statement reads.

In a bit of odd timing, an old 19-page memo on the Harry Potter stories that Barr wrote a few months before being appointed Attorney General has come to light. In that unsolicited memo, Barr postulates that the Forbidden Curses should not have ever been outlawed, given the Second Amendment’s promise of the right to bear arms — though Barr didn’t address that the novels take place in England, not the U.S. Barr’s older memo states that he doesn’t believe Voldemort should have ever been in any legal jeopardy to begin with.

“It is kinda strange that he’d write a memo a few months ago and then he’d write a report that pretty much says the exact same thing,” the DOJ source said. “But let’s not go using our critical thinking skills; that will only get us into trouble, in the long run.”


Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

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Written by James Schlarmann

James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a political satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well.

You definitely should not give that much a shit about his opinions.