WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a truly unforeseen development,the battle over releasing FBI Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s report on the 2016 presidential election has taken a turn, perhaps, for the unbelievable. At approximately 9:30 in the morning, a courier arrived at the White House with a hand-written note from one former president to the current one.
“President Trump was sent a letter by Sharia Pony Express this morning, and in the letter was an offer that the president is currently mulling over with this top advisers,” Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters on the White House lawn this morning.
Standing in a small puddle of nacho cheese that was dripping from her chin, Huckabee Sanders continued.
“The letter states that if President Trump tells Attorney General Barr to prepare the Mueller Report for its complete and immediate release,” Huckabee Sanders continued, molten cheese flinging from her face as she spoke, “former President Obama will give President Trump, and the American people a copy of his real birth certificate.”
Once the Mueller Report is released, Obama will go to the Soros Lair and retrieve his Kenyan birth certificate from the Socialist-Tron 5000, a special computer that holds all of Obama’s diabolical plans to subvert American democracy and take everyone’s guns away, the letter says.
“President Trump knows that Mueller Report completely exonerates him, which is exactly why he’s trying so hard to keep everyone from reading it,” Huckabee Sanders said. “It’s really common for someone to not want anyone to see the thing that clears their name completely, isn’t it? It’s like when firefighters show up at a house that’s on fire, the first thing they do is hide the hoses, then they shut off the water on the block, and then they drive away.”
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The president isn’t sure he wants to make the deal because of his desire to keep the key report that totally clears his name hidden away from the public.
“Sure, he could take this deal and let everyone see the Mueller Report, that again, totally and completely exonerates him, but he’s not sure he wants to,” Press Secretary Huckabee Sanders explained. “I mean, why should he? His supporters believe his farts smell like roses and 40% of Republicans don’t believe the Mueller Report concluded Russia helped Trump, even though that’s even something we know is in the report.”
The real issue is that Trump and his administration are “already so truthful” there’s no need to release the report, Huckabee Sanders said.
“Why the hell should we need to release the report when everyone can take our words for it? We’ve never lied, we never will lie, and frankly it’s a little disgusting you’d accuse us of lying,” Huckabee Sanders blustered to no one in particular. “Now, if you’ll excuse me we have to get our spying microwaves adjusted before we hold the signing of agreement for Mexico to pay for the wall, which will also have a tribute to the fallen heroes of the Bowling Green Massacre.”
This is a developing story.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.