WASHINGTON, D.C. — Attorney General William Barr held a press conference at the Department of Justice this morning and presented to the American people a newly written four-page summary. Last week, Barr made waves around the world when he issued a similar summary of the report written by FBI Special Counsel Robert Mueller, which has been reported to contain 300 pages itself.
This morning’s press conference was to announce that his new summary was written after he “skimmed the Bible’s Book of Genesis lightly but with a very furrowed brow.”
“After spending all the time I needed with the source material, the Holy Bible as it’s known around the world, I am able to report its principle conclusions,” Barr said, speaking to reporters with weight and gravitas. “On the subject of whether God bears any responsibility for the murder of literally every life form on Earth except for one male and one female of each species and a boat load of unwashed humans, the conclusion is quite clear, to me.”
AG Barr was referencing a story from Genesis involving Noah, a giant wooden ark, and a flood that lasted 40 days and 40 nights. In the Bible tale, Noahis told by God that a flood is coming that will wipe out almost all life on Earth, and it was his job to craft the boat that would keep the animals and Noah’s family safe. Then, once the flood waters receded, the animals and humans in the ark would be free to have tons and tons of sex so they could reproduce.
Though God said his reasoning for the flood came down to feeling like humans weren’t respecting him enough, Barr found some things in the recounting that he says clear God of wrongdoing.
“From everything I read, I’m not exactly sure God has any culpability for the flood. He didn’t tell those sinners to sin. They sinned, and then they had to be mass murdered, pretty cut and dry to me, fam,” Barr told reporters.
“Despite allegations in the press, we’re not even sure the Book of Genesis even contains a flood, and if it does, we’re not even completely sure that the God it references is the same God. There are tons of Gods out there, you know.”
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The Book of Genesis is the Bible’s first book, and it contains 50 chapters and hundreds of words. Barr says he was able to “scan and basically get the gist of” Genesis in about thirty or forty seconds. He was able to write his summary in about ten minutes.
“I’m like, a super fast reader and stuff,” Barr insisted.
As adamant as he was that Genesis absolves God for the untold millions of people he murdered, Barr said he is still prohibited by Department of Justice guidelines he “made up a couple minutes ago” from showing the American public the text he used to make his decision.
“I cannot and will not cite any specific text or intelligence from the Bible upon which I based my conclusion,” Barr said, “However, I will be redacting heavy portions of Genesis, and I am sure that whatever it is I do end up showing you will somehow perfectly confirm what it is I am saying right here and right now.”
The White House issued a statement of “official confusion” following Barr’s press conference.
“The Attorney General kept referring to some person named God, but that’s confusing because President Trump is your rightful God now, and he didn’t flood anything,” Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters this morning. “Except the market with his cheap crap manufactured by slave labor in third world countries, of course. But that’s all very legal and very cool, as you know.”
God could not be reached for comment.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.