WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House has issued the following statement in light of FBI Special Counsel Robert Mueller finishing his investigation into Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election, and delivered his report to the Department of Justice.
To My Loyal Subjects and the Fake News Media Enemy of the People:
We are positive that the Mueller report, which we have said is born of a TOTAL WITCH HUNT HOAX, will completely exonerate President Donald J. Trump. If it does, of course that means you should trust the report and ignore all the times we told you not to trust it. If the report casts the president in any bad light whatsoever, however, the original comments about it being a phony, fake, fraudulent illegal witch hunt hoax stand.
For many reasons that we will not explain to you, the president does not intend to read the Mueller report when, if ever, it is released, with one notable exception. If the Special Counsel’s office should see fit to draft a version of the report that is solely based in pictures, President Trump would be very delighted to “read” it, insofar as one can “read” pictures. A picture version of the report that also highlights very clearly NO COLLUSION would be something President Trump is amenable to, as well.
On the subject of NO COLLUSION, which of course we’re sure the report will say, thereby voiding all the criticism the president has heaped on Bob Mueller and his 27,000 Angry Democrat mob investigation, we should just like to reiterate: NO COLLUSION. And again, one more time, just in case you’re just now joining us: NO COLLUSION.
When and if the picture report is released, the president will issue a fully detailed response. Until that time, his time is much too precious to be wasted responding to Mueller’s report. Instead, the president will continue to live-tweet Fox News shows and binge eat hamberders.
The president would also like to take this time to remind America that while he may be Individual-1, and he may have committed self-evident campaign finance fraud, and the Mueller report won’t finish the House Democrats’ investigations, of one simple thing: Barack Obama was once president. And also, Hillary Clinton is not. It’s totally fine that you elected a white-collar crook and D-list reality-TV star that cozies up to brutal autocratic dictators, because he’s a Republican, remember that.
Also, it should be stated again, no matter what anyone ever says ever: NO COLLUSION.
Reached for comment, the office of Robert Mueller said that they have no intention of drafting a picture version of the report. Reportedly, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders is rounding up crayons from local Applebee’s and T.G.I. Friday’s restaurants so that she and Stephen Miller can translate the report for Mr. Trump, should Mueller’s office not draft the picture version anyway.
Reached for comment, Dan Bongino said he “knew all along the fake news anti-Trump hate cult of the libtarded mentally unstable stupid-ass press” wouldn’t get what they “wanted in their little fever dreams” out of the Mueller report.
“Sure, I haven’t seen it. Sure, there is ample evidence already from Michael Cohen’s testimony, the Southern District of New York cases, and the House Democrat investigations that Trump is dirty AF,” Bongino tweeted, “but also, have you noticed how my head is so big you can store scale models of the Empire State Building and Mars in it? Oh, you have? That’s cool, I guess.”
This story is developing.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.