Trump Replaces Entire Cabinet With Hosts of “Fox & Friends”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a development sure to send shock waves through government, President Donald Trump made the turn to the back nine holes of Trump National Golf Course in the nation’s capital, and stunned reporters with unscheduled announcement.

“I’m firing my entire cabinet and replacing them with the lovely, truly brilliant, genius level people on ‘Fox & Friends,'” Trump announced.

That President Trump admires the hosts of Fox News’ morning talk program is no secret. Anyone who follows the president on Twitter can see for themselves just how much Trump likes the show by how often he tweets at or about the show. Trump most recently tweeted about “Fox & Friends” two days ago.

President Trump often favors Fox News and other right-wing oriented website, rarely if ever labeling them as “fake news.” Trump said, while putting his driver back in the bag, that he trusts what he hears on “Fox & Friends” more than he trusts what he hears from his own security analysts and advisers. That trust, Trump said, is at least part of the reason why he’s making this move.

Throughout his presidency, news outlets have reported on tensions growing within Trump’s team. From the earliest days of the Trump administration, it was widely reported that former Secretary of Defense James Mattis had to personally intervene in conflicts between former National Security Adviser H.R. McMaster and former co-President Steve Bannon. CNN once reported that former Secretary of State Rex Tillerson had a hard time “gelling” with McMaster. Then there were fast-paced hiring and firing decisions such as Anthony Scaramucci as Communications Director.

He lasted just over a week.

President Trump explained that the reason for his desire to shakeup and fire his entire cabinet is “simple and easy to follow.”

“They’re the only ones I listen to anyway,” Trump said as he laced up his golf spikes. “It’s time to cut out the middle man. I pretty much spend most of my Executive Time live-tweeting what I see on Fox anyway, so this is a two birds one Roger Stone kinda situation, know what I mean? Of course you do.”

As he prepared himself a flight of hot dogs, each with different fillings and toppings, Trump continued to explain his thought process.

Trump said that since he usually “just retweets their clips most of the morning” anyway, it might be much more proficient use of his time to just have the hosts of Fox’s morning news commentary show sitting in the Oval Office or cabinet room with him. Stephen Miller, senior White House policy adviser, helped Trump make the decision.

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“Miller keeps losing my TV remote in his sleeping coffin at night,” Trump explained, “and so now I don’t have to get so angry at the little Nazi vampire stooge when he does it. Not when I have the Fox and Friends people right there next to me. God, how smart am I, huh?”

When asked, several members of Trump’s cabinet indicated feelings of relief.

“After about six weeks in this administration,” one cabinet member speaking on the condition of anonymity told us, “the only people who wanted to be here were DeVos, Carson, and Perry. But that’s only because literally no one else will hire them, and Perry still isn’t a hundred percent on what his department does, or is even called.”

“Fox and Friends” host Brian Kilmeade released a statement this morning saying he was “honored and touched that Dear Leader” chose him.

“I will serve both my corporate overlord and God Emperor President Trump with dignity and respect,” Kilmeade said, “and I am so thrilled to finally be able to cut out the middle man and pump talking points right into the president’s ear.”

A version of this story first appeared on The Political Garbage Chute.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

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Written by James Schlarmann

James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a political satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well.

You definitely should not give that much a shit about his opinions.