WASHINGTON, D.C. — Attorney General William Barr will release a document he’s calling the “Mueller Report,” to Congress and the general public this Thursday.
“This Thursday, I will release what used to be the Mueller Report and is now the Mueller Black Box Catalog to the American public,” Barr announced. “And then we can finally put this whole thing to bed and never question whether I’m complicit in an obvious cover-up again.”
While much of the country has been waiting with breathless anticipation for the Mueller Report, Barr cautioned that no one “should get too excited” about what he is releasing later this week. Mr. Barr was seen leaving the Department of Justice for lunch, and was asked about what he is releasing on Thursday. Essentially, Barr said, he’s dropping “400 pages of black boxes and random words” on everyone.
“Some have told me they’re worried that once it’s released by my office, it’ll be 400 pages of nothing, but let me assure there will be something on the pages,” Barr told reporters. “Tons of black boxes, and a few random words.”
Barr did say, however, that there is one almost fully complete sentence in the report he’ll be submitting to Congress.
“There’s a fragment of a sentence that, if you crop out all the stuff before and after it, makes Trump look not only innocent, but like, frankly, a deity of some sort,” Barr said. “It’s true. If you just clip all the before and after stuff, the sentence reads, ‘Donald Trump is the literal son of God and sent here to die on a cross for our sins.'”
Attorney General Barr would later admit to colleagues he may have gotten the Bible’s New Testament and the Mueller Report “mixed up.”
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“I’ve been reading and summarizing so many things lately, I get confused,” Barr said. “But the bottom line is that you can trust every single black box is only covering up evidence of Trump’s innocence. We didn’t want Trump looking too exonerated, did we? Where’s the drama in all that?”
If the public has any questions about what they’re not seeing in the redacted report, DOJ will set up a special hotline for them to call and get answers.
“I mean, pretty much every box just covers up another time where Mueller was all, like, ‘Woah, Donald is innocent AF right here, fam,’ and stuff like that,” Barr said. “But hey, if there are cucks out there who don’t wanna take our word for it, that’s fine, we’ll lie to their faces just as well as we can redact a document enough to make it a lie.”
President Trump, hosting a gathering of southern white sheet salesmen in the Oval Office, said he was pleased that the redacted report would be public soon.
“I’ve said all along I want all the information out there,” Trump said. “All the information. As long as it makes me look innocent. Put that information there. All of the stuff that makes me look good. I want that all out there. And the rest of the stuff? Who cares? I know I don’t care, and I asked every single person who works for me, and they all said they didn’t care.”
The redacted Mueller Report will be delivered to Congress and publicly available on Thursday. Democrats were too busy fighting over which of their 24,000 candidates is progressive enough to beat the corrupt and incompetent man wrecking the country to notice other things were happening that they should probably pay attention to as well.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.