Americans Disappointed To Find Out Trump Won’t Be On Falcon Heavy Launch

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As SpaceX, billionaire inventor Elon Musk’s aerospace company, readies to launch a Saudi communications satellite on its next Falcon Heavy mission later today, the White House has let down quite a few million Americans.

“The president will not be on Falcon Heavy, despite prior rumors,” Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters on the White House lawn this morning. “Even though he does plan to have the Space Force take him on a lunar mission at some point before the next election.”

Last year, SpaceX launched a rocket they dubbed “Falcon Heavy” into orbit with a very special payload — a car made by Musk’s car company, Tesla. Falcon Heavy is the largest rocket by mass than any other in the history of the human species.

In one of the most stunning displays of human ingenuity and engineering, the shuttle’s reusable side boosters successfully completed their round trip journey into space and then back down for a truly spectacular looking joint landing on pads back on the Earth’s surface.

Roughly a million people watched Falcon Heavy ascend into the heavens, push out the Tesla — a convertible with a mannequin dressed in a space suit — out into space on the arm attached to the satellite orbiting the Earth.

Wanting to get some reactions to Falcon Heavy’s next test launch, and the fact that President Trump will not be strapped to the rocket like so many had hoped, we hit the streets around our publishing headquarters, and asked some average Americans how they felt about the launch.

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A pattern started emerging in their answers; a pattern worth reporting, in the view of our editorial board. Many people, it turns out, thought that President Donald Trump might accompany Arabsat 6-A, a Saudi satellite, on Falcon Heavy. Some had speculated that Saudi Arabia had helped arrange for the rocket ride as repayment to Trump for not holding one of their crown princes accountable for the murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi.

Bob Listin, 45, Carpenter/Artisinal Butt-Plug Craftsman:

You mean he’s not going to be floating through space, circling our planet, headed toward his certain demise? Bummer, man. It just seemed a real two birds with one stone kinda deal, you know?”




Susan Heffleston, 32, Homemaker:

Are you sure? There are going to be so many people watching, I figured it had to be because we were firing that fat fuck up there, but I guess a lot of people still like space. Okay,”




Susan Gripstein, 45, Eighth Grade Teacher:

I watched Falcon Heavy’s launch with my fourth period science class students. All of them were very disappointed when they found out Trump wasn’t in the satellite. They were really let down, no doubt. They’re young, they see right through his conman bullshit act, and they all know someone who came here from another country, so they just really don’t see much point in keeping him around if he’s going to make their friends leave, know what I mean?”


Jennifer McScoodoo, 22, College Student:

told us.I just assumed that everyone was pronouncing ‘Fuckin’ Heavy’ wrong. Because if Trump were on anything, it would make whatever he was one fuckin’ heavy,”

Not every disappointed American is a critic of the president’s, however. Jethro Bohiggins, a 39 year old out of work non-union plummer, said he was “super duper bummed” when he found out Trump wasn’t on the rocket, but for a completely different reason than most others who answered.

“I wanted him to get on that rocket and prove to every libtard out there that a) the Earth is flat, just like it was in Bible Times, b) climate change is a hoax cuz you cayn’t see no rising oceans from way high up in space, and c) that Daddy God Emperor can survive in space without even a space suit,” Bohiggins told us.

Mr. Musk did not say when asked via Twitter this morning if he’d consider putting Trump on the next rocket SpaceX tests.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

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Written by James Schlarmann

James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a political satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well.

You definitely should not give that much a shit about his opinions.