SWILLYCORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — Billionaire tech guru and innovator Elon Musk isn’t content to just buy and then delete social media monoliths anymore. Musk has moved onto buying much more rare items, according to leaked reports out of his inner circle. Having already bought Facebook with the intent to delete it, word is that Musk has decided to buy a celebrity to fully assimilate into his own body.
The first acquisition: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.
“Right, so I was talking with Billy — SpaceX and the Boring Company’s lead head chief tech designer,” Musk told reporters at a press conference this morning, “and I said to Billy I was pretty stoked with my life as it is, but that I’ve always wanted to be hella cut. You know…ripped AF.”
At first, Billy thought Musk could increase his workout times if he wanted to acquire bigger muscles.
“But I told Billy that might work with your average pleb, but not with me,” Musk reported. “I don’t have time to workout more than I already do. We are still working out the kinks in the Multi-Musker — our Elon cloning tech — so we decided to come with a Plan B.”
That second option, Musk says, was to simply buy the full rights to an established, extremely well-built, muscular celebrity, and simply assimilate them into his own body. The technology had to be invented, but Mr. Musk said he was able to get around that using his Boring Company’s time machine.
“Oh, right, we invented time travel last week, too,” Musk said, remembering that he’d forgotten to announce that. “It just totally slipped my mind. Anyway, I went forward in time and brought back the Assimilate-O-Matic 5000.”
Once negotiations between The Rock and Elon were underway, it was only a matter of time before an agreement was reached.
“Dwayne said he was looking to take some time off anyway,” Musk insisted. “He decided what better place to take a vacation than inside another conscious being. And this conscious being just happens to be a billionaire, so that’s pretty rad, he thought.”
Over the course of a sixteen hour process, Johnson and Musk were each loaded into the Assimilate-O-Matic and merged with one another. When the machine was finished, the hybridized Musk exited, smiling, and ripped as could be.
Musk announced the assimilation in his own unique way, on Twitter.
Yeah, I lift a little … pic.twitter.com/UAJdv8qSw1
— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) March 6, 2019
“Now that I’ve made this big change, I’m thinking of another change,” Musk told the reporters. “I think I might change my name. Elon Muskles. Or maybe Elon “The Moon Rock” Johnson, I don’t know, we’ll see.”
Representatives for The Rock said that they expect Musk will step into the roles previously given to their client.
“Obviously he won’t be as good an actor as Dwayne is, but he’ll have the muscles,” a rep told us via Skype. “It’s truly an exciting time to be alive, and feel so very dead inside.”
The first film on Musk’s shooting schedule will start production later this fall. Musk might even appear later this year in a cameo role in the new Star Wars film.
“If I can get them to change the opening to ‘Elon time ago, in a galaxy far, far away,’ I’m in,” Musk announced.
This is a developing story.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.