Elon Musk Going To Buy And Delete Facebook?

Earlier this week, Elon Musk made global headlines when he deleted the official SpaceX and Tesla pages from Facebook. Musk made certain to clarify that he didn’t make the decision for political reasons, but rather because Facebook gives him “the willies.”




Today, Musk announced that he has reached out to Facebook and offered to buy every share of the company, effectively making him the sole owner of the social media platform. Musk was speaking to a gathering of SpaceX and Tesla investors and told the group even though he has deep misgivings about the site, he’d “do humanity a favor” and buy it.

“I’ve got some cash to burn, so if Zuck wants to make a deal, he knows where to find me,” Musk told investors. “I’d make him a fair offer.”

Musk then showed a PowerPoint presentation that detailed in great length what his plan for Facebook would be.

Buy this shirt and help us feed these kids that won’t keep bothering us about eating.

“You know, when I told some close confidantes about this idea of mine, they all wanted to know what I’d do with Facebook,” Musk explained. “And as much as I know people like to use it as the Internet’s premier ex-girlfriend or boyfriend stalking platform, I think I have much better solution, and I mean better for the species, if not our entire planet.”

Musk showed the investors in the room an animated video that detailed his plans for Facebook. The video shows a SpaceX Falcon rocket blasting off into the sky. At one point the two solid boosters fall off and glide on a precise path down to the landing pad. Both rockets land perfectly square, and one ends up resting gently on a big red button labeled “DELETE.”

“And you can see that the second side booster would end up pressing the delete button,” Musk said. “Which would send a proton torpedo down the exhaust port of Facebook’s headquarters, triggering a chain reaction that should destroy the platform.”

Cheers erupted in the room. Chants of “Fuck Zuck! Fuck Zuck! Fuck Zuck!” reverberated throughout the building, growing so loud it drowned out the sound of the ocean’s waves at every beach on the planet. Musk stepped away from the podium he was speaking from, raised his arms in the air in triumph, and took in the adulation from everyone in the room.

This story is developing.




Want to write for Alternative-Science.com? It’s easy. You just write what makes you feel good, and people believe it.

Apply now by contacting us at Scientist@Alternative-Science.com!

James‘ satire is also found on:
Alternative Facts
Alternative Science,
The Political Garbage Chute
The Pastiche Post
Satirical Facts

Elon Musk Dedicated To Building Affordable Housing On Mars

SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — Billionaire entrepreneur and inventor Elon Musk has big dreams, and perhaps even larger ambitions as to how to achieve those dreams. His pursuit of seeing those dreams into fruition has garnered him quite a large following and cadre of well-wishers.




However, not everyone is so firmly entrenched on Elon’s side.

Some have questioned why Mr. Musk seems to so much of  his effort into extraterrestrial endeavors and pursuits when there are many problems facing humanity here on Earth. Perhaps in an attempt to address some of those criticisms, Musk told a podcast audience over the weekend that he’s got some very altruistic ideas that coincide with SpaceX’s missions to explore space, particularly the goal to get mankind to Mars and onto its surface.

“Once we get humans on Mars, we’re not just going to be building strip malls full of FroYo establishments and drive-thru Starbucks,” Musk said. “Though, those will definitely be in the works. We’re also going to build extremely affordable housing, you know, provided you can afford the billion or two dollars it’ll cost you to get a flight to Mars.”

Musk announced that he has formed HomesteadX, a subsidiary of SpaceX. The goal of HomesteadX is to build hundreds of what they’re calling “Elondominiums” on Mars. The domiciles will be so cheap that Musk says he will not charge a dime in rent to the inhabitants.

Purchase 2017: The Year That Was (But Shouldn’t Have Been) on Amazon or BarnesandNoble.com

“If they can get to Mars with us, then we have a place for them stay as long as they want,” Musk said. “I mean, it’s not like they can go back to Earth, so they might as well take us up on our offer.”

Each living unit will have many “Muskamenities” that is hoped will entice space pioneers to sign-up with SpaceX for a flight to Mars.

“These highly sought after luxury Elondominiums will have all the Muskamenities you could possibly hope for in an extraterrestrial living unit,” Musk said. “Broadband Intnernet, full washer and dryer in every unit, and enough oxygen for 100 Martian years.”

Mr. Musk took the opportunity to also announce that he has partnered with The Learning Channel.

“We think the TLC audience will love Martian House Hunters,” Musk said. “So we’re excited for the show to  begin taping some time in the next decade or two.”




James‘ satire is also found on:
Alternative Facts
Alternative Science,
The Political Garbage Chute
The Pastiche Post
Satirical Facts

Elon Musk Threatens Tesla Board With Packing Up His Electric Cars And Rocketing Home

SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — In recent weeks, the relationship between billionaire inventor Elon Musk and the board of directors of Tesla, his electric vehicle company, has become icy to say the least, and today that relationship may very well have hit an all-time low.




Yesterday, in a series of tweets, Musk addressed the hubbub that has erupted over his treatment of two Wall Street analysts on an investor call. Many indicated they believed Mr. Musk, who also started and controls the space exploration company SpaceX, snubbed the analysts by refusing to answer their questions about Tesla’s future profitability. Musk indicated in tweets it was “foolish” of him to ignore their questions, but today new fuel was heaped onto the fire by Musk himself.

Facing a vote from Tesla’s board to replace him as chairman, Musk fired off a sternly worded letter to the board, urging them to consider their vote carefully. Musk’s statement also contained a dire warning for the board about Tesla’s future development of electric cars and other vehicles.

Buy this shirt and help us feed these kids that won’t keep bothering us about eating.

Musk’s letter to the Tesla board appears below, in its entirety.

My Fellow Tesla Board Members,

Chill out, dudes, okay? Everything’s gonna be fine. Shareholders have nothing to be worried about; our value will rise — I promise it. But make no mistake, voting to replace me as CEO would bring about major changes to your lives, and to Tesla. Namely — that you’d never, ever see me again and Tesla wouldn’t exist.

See, if you vote to get rid of me, I’ll make it very simple on all of you. I’ll just pack up all the cars and car parts and everything into a rocket, you remember I have a rocket company right? Well, anyway, I’m just going to pack all of Tesla’s shit into a big ol’ Falcon rocket and blast the eff off out of here.

I will take my electric cars and go home, make no mistake about it. The ball’s in your court, guys. Your call, of course, but think long and hard before you do anything drastic.

Your Pal,

Musky

This is a developing story.




James‘ satire is also found on:
Alternative Facts
Alternative Science,
The Political Garbage Chute
The Pastiche Post
Satirical Facts

Purchase 2017: The Year That Was (But Shouldn’t Have Been) on Amazon or BarnesandNoble.com

Weekly Standard Awards Alt-Science Prestigious “Trustworthfulness In Journalastic Endeavors” Award

This month, our publication broke major tech news when we published our piece “Elon Musk Offers To Buy And Then Delete Facebook.” Our story covered the conference call tech guru Elon Musk had with investors in his SpaceX, Boring Company, and Tesla corporations in which he divulged his secret wish to buy Facebook and delete it completely.




The news we broke came hot on the heels of Mr. Musk deleting SpaceX’s and Tesla’s official Facebook pages, effectively removing his companies from the largest social media platform in the world.

Today, Musk announced that he has reached out to Facebook and offered to buy every share of the company, effectively making him the sole owner of the social media platform. Musk was speaking to a gathering of SpaceX and Tesla investors and told the group even though he has deep misgivings about the site, he’d “do humanity a favor” and buy it. (source)

The report was, to date, our most widely read piece. The story picked up so much attention that Alternative Science has been notified our reporting has earned us one of the most coveted awards in online publication, The Trustworthfulness In Journalastic Endeavors award given out by The Weekly Standard.

One of the longest running conservative publications, The Weekly Standard’s editorial board called our Musk/Facebook reporting “adequate” and “par.” These are the highest words of praise ever heaped on anything we have published.

Buy this shirt and help us feed these kids that won’t keep bothering us about eating: https://teechip.com/donaldtrumpsmellslikepee

In a written letter from the editorial staff, The Weekly Standard Tells us they look forward to more of our “v. truthful and p. much accurate-ish” reporting.

“We are pleased to award Alternative Science with The Trustworthfulness In Journalastic Endeavors Award for your adequate reporting of Elon Musk’s attempts to buy Facebook. All of us at The Weekly Standard felt this story can easily be described as par, or perhaps even ‘just barely subpar.’ We look forward to more reporting just like it in the future from your truly amazing, and dare we say super-duper attractive team of writers, fact-checkers, and hamsters turning the wheels to power your headquarters.”

The prize for wining the TIJEA is an ice cream and pizza party for the whole class, two front row tickets to a tractor pull competition, and six commemorative quarters from the State of Delaware. Other recipients of the award include TIME Magazine, The Failing New York Times, and Billy’s Neighborhood Newsletter and Yard Sale Guide of 2009.




James‘ satire is found on:
Alternative Facts
Alternative Science,
The Political Garbage Chute
The Pastiche Post

 

 

 

 

Elon Musk Developing Artificial Unintelligence To Replace Facebook, Twitter Algorithms

SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — Billionaire tech guru and entrepreneur Elon Musk makes no effort to hide his dubious stance toward artificial intelligence. Despite the fact that Mr. Musk’s Tesla cars have been developing automatic, driverless navigation for years, Musk has repeatedly warned humanity about the dangers of sentient technology.




In a new documentary, Mr. Musk says he fears that AI could help create technology that is immortal and uncontrollable.

“The least scary future I can think of is one where we have at least democratized AI because if one company or small group of people manages to develop godlike digital superintelligence, they could take over the world,” Musk says in  Do You Trust This Computer? He goes onto to say that “when there’s an evil dictator, that human is going to die,” however, artificial intelligence wouldn’t die, but rather “live forever.” Musk worries that if an AI bot is used in place of a world leader, it would become an “immortal dictator from which we can never escape.”

Buy this shirt and help us feed these kids that won’t keep bothering us about eating: https://teechip.com/donaldtrumpsmellslikepee

This morning, Musk told an audience listening to him speak at a school gym dedication in Northern California, that he plans to address some of his concerns himself, by developing artificial unintelligence. The way his new technological paradigm would work, Musk said, would be to take normal AI algorithms and “dumb them down.”

“In other words, we’re going to make AI match more closely with HI, human intelligence,” Musk said.

Mr. Musk said he will seek to have social media platforms Facebook and Twitter replace their current algorithms with his newly designed artificial unintelligence.




“It’s one thing to make a robot as smart as you are,” Musk said. “It’s something else entirely to trust AI to run your social media platforms. By and large what’s shared on Facebook isn’t smart to begin with, especially if its from online satirical publications written by pasty, doughy, disheveled looking assholes, so it makes no sense to me to have smart AI running it.”

Musk, being the innovator he is, decided he didn’t need to reinvent the wheel in order to reinvent artificial intelligence in a less intelligent way. Instead, Musk has directed his lead tech to design AUI starting with current basic AI models.

“We used the brainwaves of an average Mississippi college grad,” Billy told us later in the day via email, “which once we found him was quite easy to synthesize our new algorithm from. We’d have used a female college grad, but as you know Mississippi outlawed female book learnin’ that didn’t come from the Bible back in 1932.”

Last week, Musk made headlines when he mused that he might want to purchase Facebook, only to delete it. This publication broke that story as an exclusive, and received several nominations for journalisticish awards, but now Musk is saying he’d rather buy the platform and institute AUI on it.




“Does anyone really think they’d be able to tell the difference? The algorithm serves you twenty six pictures in a row from your one high school friend you barely remember,” Musk said, “and it bans people for sharing Tide Pod memes while Nazis have their pages reach thousands of followers. Sounds like Facebook’s algorithm is already fucking stupid, so let’s make it unintelligent and improve the Facebook experience exponentially.”

So far, neither Twitter nor Facebook have responded to Musk’s decision to pursue AUI.

James‘ satire is found on:
Alternative Facts
Alternative Science,
The Political Garbage Chute
The Pastiche Post

Elon Musk Developing New Social Media Platform MySpaceX.com

SWILLY CORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — This morning, a new social media platform was announced, run by a household name synonymous with tech innovation.

It’s no big secret, thanks to the reporting done by this website, that tech titan and likely world’s smartest man Elon Musk has his eyes on acquiring Facebook in order to delete it, but up to this point, it hasn’t been clear just exactly why Mr. Musk has his sights set on Mark Zuckerberg’s social media site.




As we reported last week in a column that is sure to garner a Pulitzer-ish award, Musk told his lead tech Billy he wants to buy Facebook so he can ultimately wipe it from the Internet.

Musk showed the investors in the room an animated video that detailed his plans for Facebook. The video shows a SpaceX Falcon rocket blasting off into the sky. At one point the two solid boosters fall off and glide on a precise path down to the landing pad. Both rockets land perfectly square, and one ends up resting gently on a big red button labeled “DELETE.”

“And you can see that the second side booster would end up pressing the delete button,” Musk said. “Which would send a proton torpedo down the exhaust port of Facebook’s headquarters, triggering a chain reaction that should destroy the platform.” (Source)

Though the story of Musk’s intentions to buy Facebook was widely shared and discussed these past few days, no one has known until this morning why he wanted to buy it in the first place. At a press conference announcing the next few projects for his Boring Company, Musk finally told the world why he has plans to buy Facebook and remove it from the Internet forever. In short, he plans to build his own social media platform.

“I know a lot of you are here to find out what the Boring Company is doing these days, and we’ll get to that,” Musk said as he spoke to the press. “But I want to just take a moment and talk about that whole Facebook thing. Yes, I want to buy it, don’t believe the so called fact checkers just because they have facts. Anyway, I want to buy and delete it because I’m going to start MySpaceX soon, and I want to clear some of the competition out of the way.”

Buy this shirt and help us feed these kids that won’t keep bothering us about eating: http://teechip.com/donaldtrumpsmellslikepee





There will be some similarities between Facebook and MySpaceX, Musk said.

“You’ll have friends lists, and you will be able to still poke people and wave at them,” Musk said. “MySpaceX will also be a great platform for stalking ex lovers and seeing which one of your high school classmates became the most racist.”

Despite those similarities, however, Musk still says that his new social media platform will “blow people away” and he gave people in the room one example of the differences he says will set his site apart from that of Zuckerberg’s.

“We’re not going to mine your personal data and then sell it,” Musk said emphatically. “We’re going to mine it and then shoot it off into space on a really neat-o rocket ship and then we’ll sell your data to any aliens we encounter. Neat huh?”

Facebook could not be reached for comment.

James‘ satire is also found on The Political Garbage Chute and The Pastiche Post as well as Alternative Facts.



Elon Musk Developing Non-Drowsy Antihistamine Infused Condoms

SILLYCON VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — A new trend is sweeping the nation: condom snorting. As if buying and deleting Facebook wasn’t newsworthy enough, tech titan and entrepreneur Elon Musk — founder of SpaceX, Tesla, and The Boring Company — wants to capitalize on the trend and has announced a new product he’s developing: Antihistamine Infused Condoms.




Just like the Tide Pod Challenge before it, condom snorting got its start on various social media channels when young people began snorting condoms up into their noses, and then pulling them down through their sinus passages and out of their mouths. Watching the viral videos of millennials snorting prophylactics gave Mr. Musk an idea, he said yesterday, during a conference call with investors.

“So my lead tech Billy and I were having lunch at this killer Thai place the other day,” Musk told investors, “and Billy tells me I have to watch these condom challenge videos. He knows me so well, because if there’s one thing I love it’s viral challenge videos.”

When he had finished watching a series of condom snorting videos, Musk says he told Billy he’d been “hella mega inspired” and instructed his lead tech to start to work on it right away. The new company will team-up with Benadryl, who will provide the allergy medication for the condoms.




“I said to Billy we could revolutionize how millennials protect themselves from gnarly allergy attacks if we made a condom infused with antihistamines,” Musk said. “Billy was right to point out we should make it non-drowsy so you could snort a condom at your workplace and still get everything done you need to.”

Buy this shirt and help us feed these kids that won’t keep bothering us about eating: https://teechip.com/donaldtrumpsmellslikepee

Musk says he has already filed paperwork to start a new pharmaceutical tech company that will be putting the snortable condoms with antihistamines on the market, hopefully by the end of next year.

“It takes the FDA awhile to approve new medications, but hey, it’s not like the Internet is such an unpredictable, ever changing place that by then no one will remember condom snorting so I’m not too worried about,” Musk said. “Now, if you’ll excuse me I have an ice bucket challenge to do and I want to finish watching that Strongbad video I was watching earlier while I perused MySpace.”

James‘ satire is found on this site, Alternative FactsThe Pastiche Postand The Political Garbage Chute.




UNBELIEVABLE: SpaceX successfully recovers Tiangong-1 Chinese satellite

LOS ANGELES, CA – In what is sure to be one of the more remarkable feats in the young company’s history, SpaceX has managed to successfully catch Tiangong-1, the defunct Chinese space station, as it fell to Earth early this morning.





As SpaceX CEO Elon Musk pointed out on Twitter, one of their recovery ships, Mr. Steven, was already in the Pacific following an attempted recovery of a SpaceX fairing that was launched on Friday. The Friday launch was Iridium-5, launching a series of 10 satellites into space.

The recovery marks the first time a space station has fell to Earth and been successfully recovered in tact.





Tiangong-1 was the first attempt by China to have a space station in orbit. The unmanned station means “Heavenly Place” or “Celestial Palace,” however the Chinese government lost contact with the station in 2016, after extending its mission two years longer than originally anticipated.

The world had watched as the craft slowly but surely descended into the Earth’s atmosphere. Due to the uncontrolled nature of it, it was unclear where exactly the craft was going to re-enter and land, which makes SpaceX’s and Elon Musk’s feat all the more impressive.

Alternative-Science.com spoke with a representative at SpaceX about the accomplishment, speaking under the condition of anonymity because they were not allowed to make public comments.





“We all thought Elon was crazy when he pitched the idea to us in a staff meeting last week, but we thought we’d give it a try. It’s amazing to see what he’s been able to do in the realm of recycling rockets, but now that we can re-use satellites, it’s a whole new ballgame” they said.

It remains unclear when SpaceX plans on returning the satellite to the Chinese government. This is a developing story, and this article will be updated as more news becomes available.

h/t Reddit

What The Zuck? Musk Mulls Buying And Deleting Facebook




SILLYCON VALLEY, CA —  Tech titan Elon Musk made global headlines when he deleted the official SpaceX and Tesla pages from Facebook. Musk clarified he did so because Facebook gives him “the willies.”

Today, Musk announced that he has reached out to Facebook and offered to buy every share of the company, effectively making him the sole owner of the social media platform. Musk was speaking to a gathering of SpaceX and Tesla investors and told the group even though he has deep misgivings about the site, he’d “do humanity a favor” and buy it.

“I’ve got some cash to burn, so if Zuck wants to make a deal, he knows where to find me,” Musk told investors. “I’d make him a fair offer.”

Musk then showed a PowerPoint presentation that detailed in great length what his plan for Facebook would be.




“You know, when I told some close confidantes about this idea of mine, they all wanted to know what I’d do with Facebook,” Musk explained. “And as much as I know people like to use it as the Internet’s premier ex-girlfriend or boyfriend stalking platform, I think I have much better solution, and I mean better for the species, if not our entire planet.”

Musk showed the investors in the room an animated video that detailed his plans for Facebook. The video shows a SpaceX Falcon rocket blasting off into the sky. At one point the two solid boosters fall off and glide on a precise path down to the landing pad. Both rockets land perfectly square, and one ends up resting gently on a big red button labeled “DELETE.”

“And you can see that the second side booster would end up pressing the delete button,” Musk said. “Which would send a proton torpedo down the exhaust port of Facebook’s headquarters, triggering a chain reaction that should destroy the platform.”

Cheers erupted in the room. Chants of “Fuck Zuck! Fuck Zuck! Fuck Zuck!” reverberated throughout the building, growing so loud it drowned out the sound of the ocean’s waves at every beach on the planet. Musk stepped away from the podium he was speaking from, raised his arms in the air in triumph, and took in the adulation from everyone in the room.

This story is developing.

Buy this shirt and help us feed these kids that won’t keep bothering us about eating: https://teechip.com/donaldtrumpsmellslikepee

James‘ satire can be found on this site, The Pastiche Post, Alternative Facts, and The Political Garbage Chute.

Want to write for Alternative-Science.com? It’s easy. You just write what makes you feel good, and people read/believe it.

Apply now by contacting us at Scientist@Alternative-Science.com!




Elon Musk Offers To Buy And Then Delete Facebook

Earlier this week, Elon Musk made global headlines when he deleted the official SpaceX and Tesla pages from Facebook. Musk made certain to clarify that he didn’t make the decision for political reasons, but rather because Facebook gives him “the willies.”



Today, Musk announced that he has reached out to Facebook and offered to buy every share of the company, effectively making him the sole owner of the social media platform. Musk was speaking to a gathering of SpaceX and Tesla investors and told the group even though he has deep misgivings about the site, he’d “do humanity a favor” and buy it.

“I’ve got some cash to burn, so if Zuck wants to make a deal, he knows where to find me,” Musk told investors. “I’d make him a fair offer.”

Musk then showed a PowerPoint presentation that detailed in great length what his plan for Facebook would be.




“You know, when I told some close confidantes about this idea of mine, they all wanted to know what I’d do with Facebook,” Musk explained. “And as much as I know people like to use it as the Internet’s premier ex-girlfriend or boyfriend stalking platform, I think I have much better solution, and I mean better for the species, if not our entire planet.”

RELATED: Elon Musk Developing Own Social Media Platform Called MySpaceX

Musk showed the investors in the room an animated video that detailed his plans for Facebook. The video shows a SpaceX Falcon rocket blasting off into the sky. At one point the two solid boosters fall off and glide on a precise path down to the landing pad. Both rockets land perfectly square, and one ends up resting gently on a big red button labeled “DELETE.”

“And you can see that the second side booster would end up pressing the delete button,” Musk said. “Which would send a proton torpedo down the exhaust port of Facebook’s headquarters, triggering a chain reaction that should destroy the platform.”

Cheers erupted in the room. Chants of “Fuck Zuck! Fuck Zuck! Fuck Zuck!” reverberated throughout the building, growing so loud it drowned out the sound of the ocean’s waves at every beach on the planet. Musk stepped away from the podium he was speaking from, raised his arms in the air in triumph, and took in the adulation from everyone in the room.

This story is developing.

Want to write for Alternative-Science.com? It’s easy. You just write what makes you feel good, and people believe it.

Apply now by contacting us at Scientist@Alternative-Science.com!

Buy this shirt and help us feed these kids that won’t keep bothering us about eating: https://teechip.com/donaldtrumpsmellslikepee

James‘ satire can be found on this site, The Pastiche Post, Alternative Facts, and The Political Garbage Chute.