This story was first published on The Political Garbage Chute.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The very same Republican Senator who once made headlines when he threw a snowball on the floor of the Senate to disprove climate change, Senator Jim Inhofe (R-OK) recently decided he was not done debunking science.
Taking to the floor in gym shorts, a tank top, a headband and some Nike Air Jordans, Inhofe strode to the microphone and said today, “All the liberal scientists want us to believe that the Earth’s climate is warming, that the planet is round, and that gravity is what keeps us tethered to the ground and not floating away into the atmosphere.”
“I’ve already shown what a hooey-ha that global warming bullpucky is. Now I’m here to show you that gravity comes from the same pits of Hell that evolution and climate change do.”
Inhofe squatted down, then thrust himself up, shouting as he did, “See?! NO GRAVITY NOW!” He hit the ground. Jumped again, “See? NO GRAVITY!” Then he began jumping rapidly, over and over again.
“No gravity! No gravity! No gravity! No gravity!”
Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX), who was once the chairman of the Senate’s space exploration subcommittee quickly took to the floor after Inhofe.
“My esteemed colleague from Oklahoma has it the nail right on the proverbial head,” Cruz said as he began speaking. “We cannot let the liberal elite scientific community dictate to us, the free-thinking, red-blooded patriotic Americans what to believe in.”
When Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL) took the floor, he was a little less indignant toward the scientific community for their theory of gravity, but still expressed the same skepticism many on the right do toward academic scientific endeavors.
“Now, I’m not a scientist,” Rubio said, “but it is very compelling watching Senator Inhofe as he breaks the bonds of what the left-wing science community calls ‘law’ over and over again. Every time his feet leave the ground, that’s a tiny bit of credibility that science loses, if you ask me.”
Inhofe has long been skeptical of climate change, and his snowball stunt on the Senate floor now sits among a long line of anti-scientific comments he’s made publicly. But why the sudden attack on gravity — long-established and well-proven scientific fact? Reporters asked him as he came out of the Senate chamber.
“Americans value one thing more than anything else: fried foods and guns. Okay, that’s two things. But the next thing on that list after fried food and guns is freedom. And if we aren’t free to live in a completely nonsensical reality where we ignore what people who have gone to school and dedicated their entire adults lives to study say to us, we don’t live in America anymore,” Inhofe told the media.
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell could be seen beaming from his seat at the front of the chamber during Inhofe, Rubio and Cruz’s speech.
When asked for comment afterward, McConnell said, “This is the kind of leadership Americans expect from Republicans. They don’t want laws passed that fix our problems. They want hotly contested debate over stuff that is apparent to a third grader.”
Presidential hopeful Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) struck his usual contrary chord when he was asked about his colleagues’ sudden distrust of the planet’s gravitational pull.
“Well, I think that’s just plain stupid,” Paul said of his fellow Republicans. “This party has got to stop being so quick to say such silly things,” the Kentuckian continued. “Clearly gravity is a black flag operation perpetrated on Earth by the Federal government to keep us literally grounded in place. Duh.”
Paul re-adjusted his shiny silver hat and skipped away humming “If I Only Had a Brain.”
“The bottom line is simple,” Inhofe said during the press conference after his gravity stunt on the floor of the Senate. “Maybe there is such a thing as gravity. Maybe climate change is real. Maybe we’re dragging out feet and hemming and hawing over something that is bound to have irrevocable consequences on us all.”
“But American Exceptionalism means being willing to take the most idiotic and unnecessary risks with the continued existence of humanity in the name of blind belief that you are possessed of superior intellect simply because you burst forth from your momma’s lady baby oven on this continent, in this country. The greatest country since sliced bread.”
James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPost, Alternative Science, Alternative Facts, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals.