VIETNAM — No one can ever accuse President Donald Trump of not dressing up for an occasion, and even important international diplomatic summits require a certain panache and flair for the stylish, which to all outside observers perfectly describes the commander in chief. That’s why he wasted no time in making the executive decision to bring not one, but two pairs of his best dress bone spurs to Vietnam for his summit with the North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un.
“I’m feeling good! Super snazzy,” Trump told reporters in line for the continental breakfast this morning at his motel. “I made sure to bring two pairs of dress bone spurs, on the advice of my darling First Lady, and Ivanka has never, ever steered me wrong, fashion-wise.”
Trump said that the decision to bring his dress bone spurs came out of the fact that he’s never visited Vietnam with any kind of military rank.
“As you know, I’m not only the royal supreme leader of America, I’m also its commander in chief,” Trump said as he loaded four pastries onto his plate. “We all remember that my bone spurs kept me from winning the Vietnam War all by myself, which I absolutely would have done, if again, those gosh-darned bone spurs hadn’t been holding me back!”
Kim Jong-un told members of the North Korean state media that he is “very pleased the fat, orange one” has decided to wear his dress bone spurs for the occasion.
“It’s impossible for two bloated men with two bloated egos to self-fellate in front of one another without proper attire,” Kim said. “So I’m very pleased the fat, orange one has decided to do the right thing and dress-up.”
To mark the special time in history, Trump commissioned the bone spurs to made specially.
“I had the same company who made Captain America’s shields and David Dennison assures me that John Barron highly recommends them,” Trump told the reporters at the motel. “So, I’m pretty excited about them, fam.”
The president’s third most intelligent son, Donald Trump Jr, tweeted that his father taking the dress bone spurs to Vietnam prove that he has “more class and elegance than any previous black administration.”
“Once again Diddums proves he’s the bestest pretzel-dent in the history of the world! He’s got more class and elegance than any previous black administration,” Jr. tweeted. “But don’t take my word for it, let him move on YOU like a bitch and grab YOUR pussy and see for yourselves, cucks!”
Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters Trump’s bone spurs are obviously proof that the Mueller investigation needs to end.
“Would a brave hero like our Dear President rush into a country he avoided like the plague by making up a medical ailment, 50 years later,” Huckabee asked rhetorically. “Exactly. Checkmate. Chemtrail. Libtards.”
Trump said he brought the second pair as a backup.
“You just never know, with the deep state coup against me, you know? And the 12,631 Angry Democrats on Bob Mueller’s investigation,” Trump explained. “Sometimes stuff comes up missing, or I forget stuff because I’m in a hurry deleting emails and flushing my smart phone — you know what? We’re done here.”
This is a developing story.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.