5 Ways To Prove The Flat Earth Theory With Alternative Science

The Earth is flat. Whether or not Big Globe and Map want to acknowledge it, the alternative science doesn’t care. Because alternative science doesn’t care about your facts, just your feelings.

But for years, the forces of truth have struggled to come up with ways to scientifically prove, beyond any doubt, that the planet we call home is just a big, flat disc floating in space. That is, until we took on the case.

Alternative Science put ourselves to the task of devising as many ways to prove the flatness of Earth as we could. In the end, we came up with over 600 experiments, but have whittled that list down to just the best five that you yourself can do at home.

So the next time someone in your life sneers and laughs at your claims that the Earth is flat, you show them one, or all five, of these things and you’ll have a new convert.

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5 Ways To Prove Earth Is Flat

#5. A Climate Change Denier Is The Head of NASA

This one isn’t so much an experiment as it is an exercise. That exercise is in whether or not you know that Jim Bridenstine, the man who was just sworn-in as the head of NASA, is a full-blown climate change denier. Now, we ask you, could a climate denying puppet of the fossil fuel companies head-up the largest scientific organization with reams upon reams of peer-reviewed evidence of climate change if the world wasn’t flat?

Exactly, Chex mix, alt science deniers. Chex. Mix.

#4. Read The Bible

There is no greater authority on alternative science than God and his son Jesus. That’s why in all the best Sunday Schools and Christian charter schools across the country, they use the Bible as their premier science text. The next time you have a chance, pick up a Bible and see if it mentions, even once, that the Earth is round. You won’t find it! And don’t you think if the planet was sphere, that God’s own book would tell us? 

Chex mix again!

#3. Go Stand Anywhere Outside

We honestly could not believe no one had thought of this before. Just go outside and stand anywhere, literally anywhere. Do you feel like you’r standing on top of a ball? Of course not! You feel like you are standing on good ol’ fahsioned flat ground. Let us repeat: FLAT. GROUND. So we hate to say it and sound redundant, but…

Chex Mix!

#2. Go to the Top of The Empire State Building and Look Down

Surely if the planet were round, if you got up high enough, you’d see it, right? But guess what? If you climb up to the top of the highest building in your town, even if it’s not the Empire State Building, and look down? You won’t see everything looks round! You’ll see the same, old, flat ground. Once again, leading us to declare emphatically:

Chex Mix!

#1. Take a Globe, Put It Under Your Car’s Tires, and Drive Over It

Sometimes you just really have to take matters into your own hands. If you find yourself unable to prove to people you’re arguing on the Internet with that the planet is flat, you have to give them a physical demonstration. Just take a globe, slide it under your car, and drive over it. Bingo-bango-bongo-you got yourself a flat Earth, and therefore have proven, alternatively scientifically, that the planet itself is flat, which lets you hoist your arms in the air and proclaim with certainty…


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James‘ satire is also found on:
Alternative Facts
Alternative Science,
The Political Garbage Chute
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Written by James Schlarmann

James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a political satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well.

You definitely should not give that much a shit about his opinions.