Pictures Confirm Black Hole Swallowing Charlie Kirk’s Face

Just a few months ago, scienceticians and more general sciencers among the general public were treated to the very first actual pictures of a black hole that our species has ever gotten a glimpse of. Today, researchers at the Foundation for Studying Pictures of Black Holes announced the findings of a study they did on the first few images of black holes that were published, and it turns out right-wing pundit Charlie Kirk has a reason to be at least a little concerned.

“The results are incredibly conclusive,” Dr. Benson Hornaydieu told the press today. “There is a black hole completely swallowing Charlie Kirk’s face.”

Kirk is best known as the young leader of “TurningPoint USA,” a political group that is known for being hard-right, extremely pro-Trump group and prolific in their use of memes to try and attract younger Americans into their fold.

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“If you look at Chuck, you can tell that something is up with his face,” Hornaydieu explained. “So what we did is line up pictures of his face with various black holes, and it didn’t take long for us to be able to see that there is a black hole that is currently sucking Charlie’s face into itself.”

Initially, Dr. Hornaydieu says his team wasn’t convinced that Kirk might be the victim of a black hole.

“A lot of my team thought maybe he had some kind of genetic defect that would have relegated him to the circus. Given the clowns he keeps company with, that seemed pretty plausible, to be honest,” Hornaydieu discussed. “Ultimately though, there’s no mistaking it. You look at his face, and you can tell that it’s being swallowed by something, and it turns out that something is a black hole.”

Mr. Kirk is reportedly “outraged” about the news.

“Why did it have to be a black hole? Apparently some brainwashed libtards out there didn’t get the memo, but All Holes Matter,” Kirk tweeted. “#AllHolesMatter.”

Another Story: Trump Asks Ben Carson if He’s ‘Friends With’ the Black Hole in NASA’S Picture


Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

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Written by James Schlarmann

James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a political satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well.

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