Actor/musician Jussie Smollet and right-wing troll/provocateur/lifelong virgin incel Jacob Wohl announced today that they have opened a new traveling self-defense clinic.
“It’s like a pop-up dojo, kinda,” Smollett told reporters outside the first location of Jussie and Jacob’s Totally Legitimate Self-Defense Clinic and Creative Writing Workshop.
Jacob chimed in.
“It’s also going to have a hipster coffee shop so we can extract more revenue from the libtard crowd that Jussie will bring in,” Wohl stated. “You can expect to overhear a lot of totally real conversations that actually happened that somehow always make conservative ideology seem like common sense for some totally unbiased, normal-ass reason.”
Wohl and Smollett the idea for the new business arose from a brief Twitter conversation they had, right before Wohl was banned from the site for operating a network of fake accounts, or bots. When the pair realized they have a lot in common, they decided teaming-up was the only way to go. They just needed an idea for what their business would or could be.
“They’re both survivors of horrific acts of domestic terrorism,” Smollett and Wohl’s business attorney Hector Heacetoast told reporters at the press conference. “Totally real acts of terror that for-sure definitely absolutely happened. It didn’t take long for them to realize they both could help people defend themselves against other such vicious and heinous acts of violence or threats of violence.”
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Recently, Mr. Wohl was found to have possibly not completely told the whole truth about receiving death threats, however that was not discussed at the press conference. A reporter did attempt to ask him about the allegations he forged death threats, but Jacob said he “suddenly couldn’t hear anything because of Obama’s secret FEMA camp Sharia voodoo Benghazi hex” on him.
Both men are just as excited about the creative writing workshop as they are about the self-defense classes.
“Oh yeah, people are going to learn really good stuff. How to craft narratives, character design that serves both the story and the characters’ arcs and development,” Heacetoast said. “Jussie and Jacob are really anxious to see what other authors — excuse me — victims have to share. Maybe there are elements of their stories we can copy or whatever. For you know, future times that they are attacked and stuff.”
While the self-defense classes are “key,” says, Smollett, both men feel the creative writing workshop will probably take up more time.
“Sometimes maybe that’s all we do. Sit around and make up stories,” Smollett said. “I bet that’s what happens a lot. That’s fine too.”
Wohl and Smollett plan to have guest instructors and workshop experts at each location throughout the rest of the year.
“Rachel Dolezal has already expressed an interest in a workshop session,” Wohl said. “There’s just a lot of interest from a lot of people. It’s gonna be really a great experience for everyone.”
Prices for the self-defense classes and creative writing workshops will start at $4000 a session, payable in unicorn tears or Sasquatch DNA.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.