BONE DRY FLATS, ARKANSAS — Cal Worley is an incel. That is to say that he has chosen to remain celibate, intentionally, because he says “women these are too uppity.”
“They’re all like, ‘Value my input as a human’ this, and ‘Ask me for permission before you grope me,’ that,” Cal explained in a recent podcast episode. “It’s like none of these women folk ever picked up their Bibles and read the parts about how, as a penis-having man, I am the one God literally chose to be their master.”
Cal says he’d “have sex with a woman in a heartbeat” under a couple of conditions, though.
“One, she’s gotta not be a libtard. I will not procreate with a woman, because that is literally all sex is meant for — procreation and complete and total male satisfaction,” Cal said. “And also if they’ll, you know, let me, and stop running the other way when they see my MAGA hat and ‘Lock Her Up’ shirt.”
Worley says there isn’t a single thing he agrees with “Hollywood Godless leftists” on except one — actress Alyssa Milano’s proposed sex strike. Milano, an outspoken political activist, recently proposed that women hold on out sexual intercourse with the significant other in their life until strict anti-abortion laws in red states such as Georgia are rolled back. Her sex strike has gotten Milano harsh rebuke from both the left, who say it marginalizes LGBTQ women and equates straight women to not much more than a man’s sexual gratification tool. While conservatives worry their sex will dry up even further.
But Cal says that he’s “completely okay” with the sex strike, and he hopes women everywhere participate in it.
“I mean, I’m not going to have sex anyway,” Cal said, “so I don’t get her point, but okay.”
Worley explained that in his view, Milano is actually helping pro-life Americans like himself. He told his podcast audience Ms. Milano is “doing our work for us,” because “one of the biggest points of the pro-life movement is to take away a woman’s sexual freedom and liberty.”
“Usually I spend my time forcing women to give up their sexual agency,” Cal explained, “but if they’re gonna do it for me, that gives me a lot more free time. And the fact of the matter is, fam, that the fewer libtards that are doin’ it, the fewer libtarded babies that we gotta make sure don’t get abortioned!”
Mr. Worley says he’s “all for a world where no one’s having sex” unless “they treat me as their lord and master.
“so I’m already dialed-in,” Worley said.
Worley isn’t even sure that Milano understands the people she’s trying to deprive of sexual gratification.
“I have terribly misogynistic views that made me choose no sex instead of valuing females,” Cal said. “so I’m not sure what her endgame is, but I’ll support it.”
Because “politics and cousins make for strange, exciting, and boner-tastic bedfellows,” Cal sees his partnership with Milano lasting quite awhile.
“Hey, we’re all on Team Stupid About Sex, so let’s stick together,” Worley said. “As long as my hand doesn’t participate in the sex strike, it won’t impact me one bit.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.