Neil deGrasse Tyson Hired As Script Consultant For “Star Wars: Episode IX”

HOLLYWOO, CALIFORNIA — The Disney Corporation has announced that Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson has been brought on board the production team for the upcoming ninth installment of the “Star Wars” saga, and the 11th film in the franchise.

“It is with great pride that we announce Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson will be joining the already amazing crew behind Episode IX,” executive Kathleen Kennedy, who oversees all of Disney’s “Star Wars” operations, told investors this morning. “And we cannot wait for him to put his unique point of view into the Star Wars universe.”

Many know Dr. Tyson as the country’s, and perhaps the world’s, most preeminent astrophysicist.

Tyson is regularly seen on TV giving interviews about scientific subjects, and is the host of the second generation of “The Cosmos,” a show about the universe created by the late Carl Sagan. Tyson has also become known over the years for “ruining” fictitious movies and television shows based on his withering critiques of whatever scientific elements their creators.

Dr. Tyson has already taken on films such as “Gravity,” “Titanic,” and even¬†“Star Wars: The Force Awakens.” Each time, Tyson picks apart the alleged science in the science-fiction he is critiquing and explains why, scientifically speaking, the movies are wrong. Kennedy said that she and the rest of the Star Wars team are excited to bring Dr. Tyson aboard for just that very reason.

“We already broke Star Wars, we figured we might as well have Neil ruin the rest of it,” Kennedy explained.

In a written statement, Tyson thanked Disney for the opportunity and laid out a few points of contention he already has with the historic film franchise, which he hopes to address as script consultant.

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“Right off the bat, we’ll be taking all the sound effects out of the space battles,” Tyson said. “So you won’t be hearing any pew pew or boom boom in the vacuum of space anymore. Obviously we will also be replacing all the laser guns with real, earthly, semiautomatic rifles and handguns.”

Tyson listed a few more immediate changes.

“Mystical space wizard powers? Gone. Any forces in my movies will have peer-reviewed, repeatable, provable equations behind them,” Tyson said. “Also, no one will be walking around on the ships anymore. They have to float because they’d be in zero gravity, for non-existent God’s sake!”

One change you might expect Dr. Tyson to make, however, he has flatly said he will not make.

“The gold bikinis stay,” Tyson said. “Even science guys like intergalactic titties.”

Kennedy indicated that she and the rest of the “Star Wars” team are also aware that they might turn off fans of the franchise, even if they aren’t off-put by Tyson fixing all the science in it.

“The way some of them lost their minds over a black Stormtrooper, a female lead as magically powerful as Luke, and an Asian love interest for the black Stormtrooper,” Kennedy said, “we are expecting some intense backlash after letting a black man put his hands on the actual script.”

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Written by James Schlarmann

James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a political satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well.

You definitely should not give that much a shit about his opinions.