SWILLYCORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — Fandom of the sci-fi/fantasy film franchise known as “Star Wars” have been clamoring for news of the title for the upcoming and final installment of the Skywalker Saga, known simply as “Episode IX,” and they just got a reprieve from none other than tech guru Elon Musk.
“I like space, I like space ships, it’s pretty much common sense that I’d like Star Wars, which I do,” Musk explained to investors on a conference call today. “It was really bugging me that all we want from Disney and Lucasfilm is the freaking title of Episode IX and they won’t give it to us. We’d love a teaser trailer, but we’d settle for a lousy title, man!”
The last installment of the current sequel trilogy to George Lucas’ iconic originally “Star Wars” trilogy is slated to be released later this year. However, both of its predecessors — Episodes VII and VIII respectively — had already given fans a teaser trailer and a title by this close to their theatrical release. Musk told investors that he and his right-hand man were discussing that injustice over lunch one afternoon last week.
“And I looked at Billy, and I asked him,” Musk explained, “if I should buy the the title to the movie from Disney. You know? I asked, ‘Hey, Billy, I’ve got a few billion bucks I’m not really using right now. You think I should try to buy the Star Wars title, and then reveal it?'”
Billy told Musk it was a “truly brilliant and epic” idea. Mr. Musk says that’s when he got out of his Mk 56 Iron Man suit, picked up his smart phone, and tweeted George Lucas. Mr. Lucas informed Musk he couldn’t really make any decisions because he doesn’t own the rights to Star Wars any more, but that he’d put Musk in touch with the “man who makes all the decisions at Disney.”
“Two days later, I’m on the phone with friggin’ Mickey Mouse, man,” Musk says, “and I’ll tell you what. Don’t let his squeaky voice, or the fact that he’s 90, or that he’s a public domain character and therefore Disney cannot sue us for mentioning him, or even using him in artwork or anything like that, fool you. That emeffer is a SHREWD negotiator.”
After six long hours of back-and-forth offers, Musk says that he and Mickey reached an agreement that would let him buy the name to the forthcoming “Star Wars” film. Whatever he decided to do with it, Mickey agreed that was fine by him. Musk would not receive any profits from revenue generated by the film. However, Mickey agreed to Musk a small walk-on part on a new “Star Wars” based sitcom being developed for Disney’s new streaming service, also debuting later this year.
“So yeah, I own it man. I own the name now,” Musk announced to great cheers, “and I’m going to announce it right here, right now. Information is power, and I believe in giving power to the people. Alright? Cool. Here we go.”
Mr. Musk paused, and took a deep breath. He opened a sealed envelope in front of him. Musk read the title, and smiled.
“The new Star Wars film will be called, Star Wars Episode IX: So Long, and Thanks for All The Cash.”
The film is set for a December 20th, 2019 U.S. release. The film will be directed by the first in the franchise’s director, J.J. Abrams. Mr. Abrams has promised fans that by the final frame of Episode IX, “everyone and every ship fans knew and loved” from the original trilogy would be dead or blown up.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.