WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning President Trump signed an executive order and declared a national emergency which he says gives him the authority to seize all meme production in the United States of America.
“Memes are often used to make this thing called ‘satire,’ which I don’t really get, but I’m told is used on Saturday Night Live to point out my mistakes and lies in a humorous way,” Trump announced. “We can’t have the president being mocked! What makes comedians think they have a right to say whatever they want about people in power, anyway?”
President Trump defended his decision to seize all meme production on two fronts — historical precedent and recent precedent.
“Harry Truman seized the steel mills back in 1952 because he said he needed it for the Korean War effort,” Trump explained. “So this is the same thing as that. But also, as you all know I’ve started to wield my executive power and declare emergencies I make up, and therefore this one fits that template quite nicely, doesn’t it?”
In subsequent court battles, Truman lost and the Supreme Court ruled he overstepped his constitutional authority. Trump doesn’t see the Supreme Court being a hurdle to this action, however.
“First of off — the presidency is higher than the Burrito Supreme Court, okay? There’s a ranking system in the Constitution, and they are not equal,” Trump said, pushing his diminutive hands out in front of him, and stacking them as he spoke. “It goes, Democrat Congress, Regular Congress, Burrito Supreme Court, and then Presidentialcy, from bottom to top.”
In order to seize the means of meme production, Trump has ordered Space Force to begin systematically checking Facebook and Twitter accounts for anti-Trump memes. Once those memes are located, they are backtracked using “special technology,” Trump said, that allows authorities to find out who made a particular meme.
“Those photoshopping pirates will pay bigly for their insolence,” Trump said. “This is a time of great national emergency at our southern border. We don’t have time for dissenting opinions! We don’t have room for people with opposing viewpoints! They’re all now, officially, illegal!”
Throughout his presidency, Trump has assailed the writers, actors, and producers of “Saturday Night Live.” The long-running late-night sketch comedy show has been lampooning presidents since it went on the air in 1975 and Chevy Chase played Gerald Ford, stumbling, and bumbling his way from prat fall to prat fall. Trump said today that the “era of satire is over.”
“One of our country’s greatest resources is my fragile ego, because it’s the engine that drives the MAGA train,” Trump declared. “CHOO CHOO! CHOO CHOO!”
At that point, Trump began circling the Oval Office and making train noises for half an hour. Then, he took his iPhone out and said he had to go “to the shitter for some executive time.” The president ran out the door, and slammed it behind him.
Reached for comment, Rep. Gym Jordan (R-OH), said he was “pleased the president is doing even more stuff” he’d be “absolutely horrified by” if a Democrat did it.
“This president is proving time and again that he has the strength of courage to behave in ways that would mortify Republicans if he wasn’t a Republican,” Jordan told reporters. “I fully support this move but vow to fight any Democrat who tries it in the future.”
This is a developing story.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.