SpaceX Developing New Mars Leash So Space Colonists Can Be Yanked Back Home





Elon Musk’s SpaceX is at it again!

Today, at a press conference for investors, Musk announced that his space flight and exploration company, which has already made history with its series of Falcon rockets, will begin immediate development on a truly groundbreaking, historic device that he says will allow SpaceX to drastically speed up its timetable for sending humans to Mars.

“You know, we were all sitting around and talking about how we’d totally volunteer for the Mars mission, but we’re not sure about not being able to come home,” Musk told investors. “So, I looked at Billy, one of our lead techs, and I said to Billy, ‘Dude, it’s too bad we can’t just put a big leash on our ship and when we’re ready to come home, we tug on it, and then someone back on Earth reels us back in.'”

The next day, Musk said, Billy showed up to work with a dog leash and a toy rocket. He walked into Mr. Musk’s office, and closed the door, which Musk said he knew meant Billy was onto something.

“When he doesn’t want everyone else to see it yet, I know Billy’s got a great idea,” Musk relayed.




Billy put a finger over his mouth, shushing Musk and getting him to focus on what he was about to show the billionaire. Billy attached the dog leash to the rocket ship. Then, Billy opened a window in his boss’s office, tying the leash to a nearby chair as he did so. Billy reached back with his arm, evoking an image of a nerdy quarterback, and heaved the rocket out of the window, Musk said.

“Then, Billy starts yanking back on the leash, and to my utter astonishment, the rocket was pulled right back into my office,” Musk exclaimed. “I called up Susan, Bob, and Helen from R&D, and told them they were about to have their minds blown so hard they might shit them out of the butt holes, which is of course scientist talk.”

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Over the course of the next two nights, Susan, Bob, Helen, Billy, and Musk all spit-balled materials, designs, and general specifics of the Mars Leash, as it would later come to be known.

“Basically, we decided to buy every dog leash in town, and tie them together, to see if that got us enough length,” Musk said. “But we quickly found out we’re gonna need, like, a shit load more leashes. We’re working with Amazon on a deal that would get us about six or seven billion dog leashes, and we think we’ll come pretty close with that, not sure.”




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Written by James Schlarmann

James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a political satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well.

You definitely should not give that much a shit about his opinions.